To my thousands of passionate readers across the globe I want to let you know that my blog has now moved to wordpress as a result of consultation from my lovely wife. If you would like to continue following the rants, stories from my childhood and extremely long hunting reports you can join me at www.mybeardedthoughts.wordpress.com.
Hope you are well!
Matt
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My Elk Story
On Sunday morning September 12th I departed Savannah airport with two friends from Bluffton for a week of elk hunting in Colorado. Specifically, we would be hunting the mountains and valleys around Steamboat Springs. During this time of year the elk are mating and therefore moving more freely than any other time in the year. To make things interesting we would be hunting national forest accessible to the public, without a guide and very deep into the forest where few other people would make the effort to access.
Joining me on the trip would be my friend Chris Burden who is currently living in Bluffton, SC but spent the last four years living in Steamboat Springs and managing a development project there. Chris was our elk hunting knowledge for the week and would be showing us around the Northwest Colorado backcountry. Jason Hewitt also joined us for the week. Jason is a professional land manager who works to create exceptional habitats and hunting properties for private landowners across Georgia and South Carolina. Finally, Josh Drake joined us for the trip which was his second hunting trip with Chris and I following our Nebraska turkey hunt last spring. Josh is a professional photographer who has done amazing work throughout the US and internationally and has an incredible ability to tell a story through his images.
After quite a long day of travel including a six hour flight from Savannah to Charlotte that included a layover in the Redneck Riviera we finally arrived in Denver realizing that we would miss our final flight to Steamboat. Being the anxious hunters we were and knowing that we needed to get our bows sighted in we decided to rent a car and travel the last portion of the journey by car. Three bearded men, weapons, lots of camo...and a Dodge Caravan all bound for the high country.
We arrived that evening in Steamboat and headed straight for Wal Mart where we could purchase our archery elk tags. A mere $542 later per person, we had our out of state elk tags and the ability to pursue the animal that for me personifies the American West.
Next stop was the Victorian. The Victorian is a well recognized home on Steamboat Mountain and it was purchased by Chris’s company to entertain prospective buyers in their new resort development. Over the course of the week the Victorian became known as the "Hunt Mansion" and was a great fit for all of us. Im sure it probably wouldnt be for everyone though as it is commonly known as the most haunted house in Steamboat with plenty of stories tied to it.
After a tombstone pizza and a beer we hit the sack to soak up a few hours of rest. Next thing I knew it was 330am and time to grab breakfast and begin our hike up Emerald Mountain. I must say that our first little hike up the mountain almost gave me a heart attack and left me wondering exactly what I had just gotten myself into. That morning we stood in the dark at the top of a ridge listening for the first bull elk to bugle and give us an idea which direction we should be moving. At around 6am I heard my first elk bugle in the wild and knew that the week was going to be exciting. We hunted Emerald for the rest of that day and heard and saw elk throughout the morning and late that afternoon. While we didnt get too close to any of them it was a comfortable way to break into the week.
The next morning we awoke at 3am and prepared for what would be a grueling morning on the mountain. At around 4am we piled into the Tundra and made way toward the trail head that would lead us to the gondola station on the ski mountain. For the next two hours we proceeded to hike uphill in the dark, each of us wondering (except Chris) exactly when we would reach our destination. That hike provided some of the most amazing views of the city of Steamboat still asleep in those early morning hours. It also provided some moments of frustration and exhaustion as our bodies were still adapting to the incline and altitude.
Around 6:15am we arrived at the Gondola station and made a sharp cut toward Rabbit Ears Pass on a mountain bike trail. That trail eventually led us to an intersection of ski runs where elk were grazing and one bull was traveling with his cows. Slowly, we made our way down to the base of that intersection and on into the woods directly downhill from where we had last seen the elk. Once we entered the woods that morning the rest of the day was spent off trail, bushwhacking our way through the thick forest. Game trails provided occasional ease to our steps but more often than not it was simply a matter of picking a direction and traversing the terrain.
Not very far into our hike we heard a bull bugling at what sounded like less than 200 yards away. If you have never heard an elk bugle in person it is a chilling experience. That feeling is intensified when you are in dark timber, early in the morning, and the volume of his scream is indicative of his size and temper. As he continued to bugle, Chris began making calls to increase his interest and try to draw him closer to us. At the same time, Jason and I began inching forward to positions where we could get a clear shot.
During that inching forward process I began to feel very uneasy about the whole situation. This was unlike any other hunting I had ever done in that the animal was a great deal larger than I am in country that was very unfamiliar to me. As I got positioned on a well worn game trail I took notice of my surroundings only to find bear claws worn into the tree I stood leaning against and a sizable elk wallow directly below me. With every new and louder bugle my heart rose higher in my throat and I began to play out every scenario in my head that could happen. Is he going to storm in looking for a fight? Will he come from above me and will I have a shot? Will he come down the trail in front of me? If he does I wont have a shot until he is less than 5 yards ahead of me. It was in the midst of those thoughts that I had the realization that maybe elk hunting wasnt for me. Maybe this was a little too intense and I should just return to fly fishing or turkey hunting.
After waiting for him to close the distance we realized that he wasnt budging. He was clearly a dominant bull and had done this once or twice so he was going to make us come to him. We realized that we would have to move quickly and so we did. As Jason pushed up the mountain to within 80 yards I suddenly realized that another bull was running directly up the mountain to our location. I moved forward to within 50 yards of where the new bull was breaking timber after getting thigh deep in a mud hole and positioned myself once again to make a shot. For the next 30 minutes we were within 100 yards of two different bulls but we never saw either of them and they each silenty disappeared into the timber like ghosts.
By the time this stalk was over it was 10:30am and we realized we were deep into the woods and far from the trail. As a result, we decided to bushwhack our way down the mountain and find a resting point to sit out the middle of the day. The bushwhacking descent was enough to test all of our nerves and by the time we found some shade in an aspen grove it was time shut our eyes for a bit.
Around 4pm I awoke to the sound of bugle just down the hill from us and within minutes we were all ready to move. Not long into our hike the bugle got louder and the next thing we knew Jason was at full draw on a bull coming directly up the trail. Unfortunately, the bull must have sensed something was wrong and disappeared from sight leaving us with a clear trail back to the Steamboat city limits.
On our way up the last ridge we heard a bugle coming from one of the lowest points we had seen all day. While it was tempting to head for the house and a cold bourbon, Chris and I decided to move quickly and see if we could get a response. As we moved we would stop every 50-70 yards and do a quick call to locate the bull and make sure we werent right on top of him. Once we got to the creekbed we knew he couldnt be far so we set up and began to call. I was around 20 yards in front of Chris and directly in between him and the bull so that hopefully I could cut him off in case he came in.
As Chris kept calling the bugles got louder and then the tell tale branches breaking started to close in. Just as the branches began to move at the top of the creekbank the bull appeared and walked directly downhill to me at a spot that I had ranged at 51 yards. This was the first time I had seen a bull that I had heard bugling and in many ways it was calming to see what was on the other end of that screaming. The bull was incredible looking with a tight summer coat and antlers that were more long than they were wide.
In hunting you know that trophy animals dont get old by being stupid and I think this bull had been around long enough to know something was going on. Though he hung around for a while he never got closer than 51 yards and that was simply a shot I didnt feel comfortable with. In all the madness of the bull coming in I had barely paid attention to the cow elk that was now standing just 15 yards in front of me wondering what was crouched down in the grass and staring so intently at the bull behind her. She got a free pass.
For the next several days we continued to hunt hard. To be honest, I dont know if you could hunt any harder than we did. Every day we covered at least 10 miles of Colorado backcountry and let the elk give direction to our steps. Every night we came home exhausted and after a quick meal and beer we would head to bed knowing that we were going to have to get up and do it all over again. By the end of the week I had lost enthusiasm and I began to wake up feeling very resentful toward everyone and everything.
On the morning of Saturday the 18th I was so tired it took me 10 minutes just to figure out where I was when my alarm went off at 345am. I jumped in the shower and went downstairs to assess whether any of my comrades had joined me in waking up to find out that I was the only one in the house awake. As I pondered letting everyone sleep in, Andrew (a new addition to the team) came up the stairs dressed and ready to go. I broke the news to him that Josh was flying out at noon and that Jason and Chris were still asleep knowing that I was getting ready to have to light a fire under everyone so that we could put in one last day of hunting.
There's nothing worse than waking up before 5am and already feeling rushed. Unfortunately for Jason and Chris thats exactly what happened. A couple pieces of cold pizza and two cups of strong coffee and we were back in the Tundra headed toward a piece of land that Andrew had hunted the night before with some success but showed signs of even greater potential.
Around 6am we pulled onto a dirt road with tire ruts big enough to bottom out any stock truck on the market. After parking illegally on a rancher's access road we hopped out and started up the trail to the public land. No more than 90 seconds after being there we heard a huge bugle and we all knew it would likely be an interesting morning.
After crossing the first ridge and getting high on the second we heard activity behind us and quickly retraced our steps to get setup down in the low area that was holding some water. As soon as we got low enough to begin calling Jason was set up to my right and I was standing on the edge of a pine tree. Within seconds a cow elk came sprinting down the hill in front of us followed by a loud huffing sound that turned out to be a huge bull corralling her. The bull only had one side of his rack but he was clearly a dominant bull and he proceeded to chase her in circles for 45 seconds and then right back up the hill.
That all took place about 70 yards from me and was exciting but before we knew it the hill erupted again directly in front of us and once again elk were pouring off the hill and directly to Jason. Two spike bulls came first and were then followed by two cows, one of which walked inside of 10 yards from Jason. As I continued to watch the scene unfold I saw a 5x5 bull walk directly Jason's right. Once the bull presented a clean shot Jason drew back and made a shot which hit farther back than he wanted but would later prove to have been deadly.
Once the animals made their way out of the area we re-grouped, gave our congrats to Jason and began calming our nerves after all that had taken place. I thought it was awfully ironic that the one hunt that Josh hadnt joined us on was our only productive hunt of the trip so I texted him to let him know that if he wanted to change his flight we might have a couple extra pictures for him to take. Within seconds he responded and began re-working his travel plans which allowed him to join us just two hours later.
Here is where my hunt begins.
We knew that based on the activity we had seen that morning we would likely have some success pushing farther into the woods. After about 15 minutes we left Jason to sit and wait for 2 hours before looking for his bull and we ascended the next peak. Once on top of the peak it was clear that our assumptions were right as we could hear at least 3 different bulls bugling; one to the left, one straight ahead and one to the right.
The loudest one seemed to be to the left so we took off in pursuit of him. Our chase led us to another creek bottom at the base of a ridge with some great elk sign. This was once again one of those bulls who's bugle will make you feel uncomfortable inside and like the one before we got close but we were never able to see him.
On our way back to meet Jason we heard yet another bull light up on the hillside and while Andrew was ready to head back, Chris and I decided it was worth giving it a shot since it was my last day. So once again we put out our radar and began following the sound of that elk directly to the base of the ridge to assess how high on the hill he probably was. At times, the volume is very deceptive and this was one of those times. Every time we thought we were getting closer we realized we still needed to climb more to get right in on top of him if we were going to have a chance to seal the deal.
One thing that I learned in elk hunting this fall is that if you are not uncomfortably close to the elk before you start calling you are probably not going to get a shot...at least not with the bow. When you are chasing after one that is at a stalemate you will hit your point of discomfort where every inch forward seems like a mile and that is where we got to with this bull.
Once we arrived in the "discomfort zone" Chris stayed back and I began my slow stalk into the bulls personal space. Without a whole lot of cover I got set up just to the right of a large rock and behind a limb that was slightly taller than I am. From my position I had large pine trees in front of me at about 18 yards and a clear shot range that stayed that distance from my 11 o'clock to my 6 o'clock. From my position I could also see through the pine trees directly to a large tree that was shaking violently as a result of grown elk antlers raking across it.
As I sat and watched the tree shake I heard Chris let out a cow call from behind me and the tree went still. The next minute went by in slow motion as I watched the bull pick up his head and begin walking directly toward me. I will probably never in my life forget watching that 800lb 6x6 bull and those wide antlers come walking through the pine trees directly in front of me.
The moment before he split the pines I drew my bow back and readied for the shot. Once he crossed through the pines he turned broadside and began moving to my right. As he moved so did I as I swung my body to line up for the shot. Seconds later he cleared any obstacle brush and I let the arrow fly to a point on his body which was exactly center vertically and 4 inches behind the crease in his shoulder. Once the arrow made contact I watched it disappear and I knew that the shot was perfect...literally within an inch of where I was aiming.
Not knowing exactly what had happened the elk took several steps up the hill, changed his direction and I saw the exit wound. I could not have been more excited that not only had the arrow gone where it was placed but I had gotten a full pass through and there was no way he could survive the shot. The bull stayed on the trail, disoriented and staring in my direction trying to decipher what had happened. In that moment I was very thankful for the opportunity to do what I had done and extremely thankful for the shot placement.
As I stood there watching him trying to remain calm I heard the sound of crashing up and down trees behind me. I soon realized that there were 3 bears at about 50 yards moving in my direction. As a result I had to adjust my position to make sure the bears were aware of my presence. My movement caused the big bull to start walking away though he was clearly moving slowly and not alarmed.
That was at 1015am and when I sat down I could hardly believe what had just happened. I was overwhelmed with excitement but more than anything I was ecstatic about the shot which had also been seen by Andrew. I knew that I had hit exactly where I wanted to and there was no doubt...NONE...that he was dead within 100 yards of where he was shot. So I sat and tried to be patient and give him his time knowing that I would soon go to claim the elk that I had worked very, very hard for.
The short version of this very long story is that after nearly 30 man hours of searching we never found my bull. We scowered that hillside, two ridges, the drainage on both sides of the spine and the creekbed only to come up with nothing.
As I write this I just got off the phone with Chris who is still in Colorado. He spoke with another seasoned elk hunter who knows the situation all too well. We all know that the elk is dead but the chances of finding him are slim to none. Even a bull that is hit well is still a rugged, strong animal made to take a lot and keep moving to places where he will never be discovered.
To say the very least I am disappointed though that is hardly a word that can describe the frustration I have been dealing with for the past five days. I have spent plenty of my life hunting but I have never worked that hard only to lose the hunt in the last second over a shot that was perfectly placed. My mind cant really get around that and its probably because it seems like its lacking some sense of justice. I did all that work, put in all those miles, practiced the shot hundreds of times and that elk should have been laying exactly where I thought he was.
I have played out the situation hundreds of times in my head and each time I struggle to find what I could have done differently. Its a miserable feeling to constantly analyze something that you did well and force yourself to find fault in it but thats where Ive found myself.
While I didnt return with my elk I did return with a whole new appreciation for hunting, the mountains, the outdoors, my physical competence and the guys I shared the experience with. I also gained an appreciation for the elk and what strong and intense animals they are. This was definitely the kind of trip that will teach you a little bit about yourself and I learned plenty.
If anyone asked me if they should try elk hunting I would tell them that if you're going to do it yourself on public land with no guide then you had better be prepared. You should prepare to be in great shape and you will still get your ass kicked. You should be prepared mentally for the long days and the fact that you will have to concentrate on making a shot when an 800lb horned animal is coming in for a fight. You should also prepare emotionally for exactly what I went through that even when you think that everything went perfectly it might not have and all of your hard work may still send you home empty handed.
Awesome trip.
Joining me on the trip would be my friend Chris Burden who is currently living in Bluffton, SC but spent the last four years living in Steamboat Springs and managing a development project there. Chris was our elk hunting knowledge for the week and would be showing us around the Northwest Colorado backcountry. Jason Hewitt also joined us for the week. Jason is a professional land manager who works to create exceptional habitats and hunting properties for private landowners across Georgia and South Carolina. Finally, Josh Drake joined us for the trip which was his second hunting trip with Chris and I following our Nebraska turkey hunt last spring. Josh is a professional photographer who has done amazing work throughout the US and internationally and has an incredible ability to tell a story through his images.
After quite a long day of travel including a six hour flight from Savannah to Charlotte that included a layover in the Redneck Riviera we finally arrived in Denver realizing that we would miss our final flight to Steamboat. Being the anxious hunters we were and knowing that we needed to get our bows sighted in we decided to rent a car and travel the last portion of the journey by car. Three bearded men, weapons, lots of camo...and a Dodge Caravan all bound for the high country.
We arrived that evening in Steamboat and headed straight for Wal Mart where we could purchase our archery elk tags. A mere $542 later per person, we had our out of state elk tags and the ability to pursue the animal that for me personifies the American West.
Next stop was the Victorian. The Victorian is a well recognized home on Steamboat Mountain and it was purchased by Chris’s company to entertain prospective buyers in their new resort development. Over the course of the week the Victorian became known as the "Hunt Mansion" and was a great fit for all of us. Im sure it probably wouldnt be for everyone though as it is commonly known as the most haunted house in Steamboat with plenty of stories tied to it.
After a tombstone pizza and a beer we hit the sack to soak up a few hours of rest. Next thing I knew it was 330am and time to grab breakfast and begin our hike up Emerald Mountain. I must say that our first little hike up the mountain almost gave me a heart attack and left me wondering exactly what I had just gotten myself into. That morning we stood in the dark at the top of a ridge listening for the first bull elk to bugle and give us an idea which direction we should be moving. At around 6am I heard my first elk bugle in the wild and knew that the week was going to be exciting. We hunted Emerald for the rest of that day and heard and saw elk throughout the morning and late that afternoon. While we didnt get too close to any of them it was a comfortable way to break into the week.
The next morning we awoke at 3am and prepared for what would be a grueling morning on the mountain. At around 4am we piled into the Tundra and made way toward the trail head that would lead us to the gondola station on the ski mountain. For the next two hours we proceeded to hike uphill in the dark, each of us wondering (except Chris) exactly when we would reach our destination. That hike provided some of the most amazing views of the city of Steamboat still asleep in those early morning hours. It also provided some moments of frustration and exhaustion as our bodies were still adapting to the incline and altitude.
Around 6:15am we arrived at the Gondola station and made a sharp cut toward Rabbit Ears Pass on a mountain bike trail. That trail eventually led us to an intersection of ski runs where elk were grazing and one bull was traveling with his cows. Slowly, we made our way down to the base of that intersection and on into the woods directly downhill from where we had last seen the elk. Once we entered the woods that morning the rest of the day was spent off trail, bushwhacking our way through the thick forest. Game trails provided occasional ease to our steps but more often than not it was simply a matter of picking a direction and traversing the terrain.
Not very far into our hike we heard a bull bugling at what sounded like less than 200 yards away. If you have never heard an elk bugle in person it is a chilling experience. That feeling is intensified when you are in dark timber, early in the morning, and the volume of his scream is indicative of his size and temper. As he continued to bugle, Chris began making calls to increase his interest and try to draw him closer to us. At the same time, Jason and I began inching forward to positions where we could get a clear shot.
During that inching forward process I began to feel very uneasy about the whole situation. This was unlike any other hunting I had ever done in that the animal was a great deal larger than I am in country that was very unfamiliar to me. As I got positioned on a well worn game trail I took notice of my surroundings only to find bear claws worn into the tree I stood leaning against and a sizable elk wallow directly below me. With every new and louder bugle my heart rose higher in my throat and I began to play out every scenario in my head that could happen. Is he going to storm in looking for a fight? Will he come from above me and will I have a shot? Will he come down the trail in front of me? If he does I wont have a shot until he is less than 5 yards ahead of me. It was in the midst of those thoughts that I had the realization that maybe elk hunting wasnt for me. Maybe this was a little too intense and I should just return to fly fishing or turkey hunting.
After waiting for him to close the distance we realized that he wasnt budging. He was clearly a dominant bull and had done this once or twice so he was going to make us come to him. We realized that we would have to move quickly and so we did. As Jason pushed up the mountain to within 80 yards I suddenly realized that another bull was running directly up the mountain to our location. I moved forward to within 50 yards of where the new bull was breaking timber after getting thigh deep in a mud hole and positioned myself once again to make a shot. For the next 30 minutes we were within 100 yards of two different bulls but we never saw either of them and they each silenty disappeared into the timber like ghosts.
By the time this stalk was over it was 10:30am and we realized we were deep into the woods and far from the trail. As a result, we decided to bushwhack our way down the mountain and find a resting point to sit out the middle of the day. The bushwhacking descent was enough to test all of our nerves and by the time we found some shade in an aspen grove it was time shut our eyes for a bit.
Around 4pm I awoke to the sound of bugle just down the hill from us and within minutes we were all ready to move. Not long into our hike the bugle got louder and the next thing we knew Jason was at full draw on a bull coming directly up the trail. Unfortunately, the bull must have sensed something was wrong and disappeared from sight leaving us with a clear trail back to the Steamboat city limits.
On our way up the last ridge we heard a bugle coming from one of the lowest points we had seen all day. While it was tempting to head for the house and a cold bourbon, Chris and I decided to move quickly and see if we could get a response. As we moved we would stop every 50-70 yards and do a quick call to locate the bull and make sure we werent right on top of him. Once we got to the creekbed we knew he couldnt be far so we set up and began to call. I was around 20 yards in front of Chris and directly in between him and the bull so that hopefully I could cut him off in case he came in.
As Chris kept calling the bugles got louder and then the tell tale branches breaking started to close in. Just as the branches began to move at the top of the creekbank the bull appeared and walked directly downhill to me at a spot that I had ranged at 51 yards. This was the first time I had seen a bull that I had heard bugling and in many ways it was calming to see what was on the other end of that screaming. The bull was incredible looking with a tight summer coat and antlers that were more long than they were wide.
In hunting you know that trophy animals dont get old by being stupid and I think this bull had been around long enough to know something was going on. Though he hung around for a while he never got closer than 51 yards and that was simply a shot I didnt feel comfortable with. In all the madness of the bull coming in I had barely paid attention to the cow elk that was now standing just 15 yards in front of me wondering what was crouched down in the grass and staring so intently at the bull behind her. She got a free pass.
For the next several days we continued to hunt hard. To be honest, I dont know if you could hunt any harder than we did. Every day we covered at least 10 miles of Colorado backcountry and let the elk give direction to our steps. Every night we came home exhausted and after a quick meal and beer we would head to bed knowing that we were going to have to get up and do it all over again. By the end of the week I had lost enthusiasm and I began to wake up feeling very resentful toward everyone and everything.
On the morning of Saturday the 18th I was so tired it took me 10 minutes just to figure out where I was when my alarm went off at 345am. I jumped in the shower and went downstairs to assess whether any of my comrades had joined me in waking up to find out that I was the only one in the house awake. As I pondered letting everyone sleep in, Andrew (a new addition to the team) came up the stairs dressed and ready to go. I broke the news to him that Josh was flying out at noon and that Jason and Chris were still asleep knowing that I was getting ready to have to light a fire under everyone so that we could put in one last day of hunting.
There's nothing worse than waking up before 5am and already feeling rushed. Unfortunately for Jason and Chris thats exactly what happened. A couple pieces of cold pizza and two cups of strong coffee and we were back in the Tundra headed toward a piece of land that Andrew had hunted the night before with some success but showed signs of even greater potential.
Around 6am we pulled onto a dirt road with tire ruts big enough to bottom out any stock truck on the market. After parking illegally on a rancher's access road we hopped out and started up the trail to the public land. No more than 90 seconds after being there we heard a huge bugle and we all knew it would likely be an interesting morning.
After crossing the first ridge and getting high on the second we heard activity behind us and quickly retraced our steps to get setup down in the low area that was holding some water. As soon as we got low enough to begin calling Jason was set up to my right and I was standing on the edge of a pine tree. Within seconds a cow elk came sprinting down the hill in front of us followed by a loud huffing sound that turned out to be a huge bull corralling her. The bull only had one side of his rack but he was clearly a dominant bull and he proceeded to chase her in circles for 45 seconds and then right back up the hill.
That all took place about 70 yards from me and was exciting but before we knew it the hill erupted again directly in front of us and once again elk were pouring off the hill and directly to Jason. Two spike bulls came first and were then followed by two cows, one of which walked inside of 10 yards from Jason. As I continued to watch the scene unfold I saw a 5x5 bull walk directly Jason's right. Once the bull presented a clean shot Jason drew back and made a shot which hit farther back than he wanted but would later prove to have been deadly.
Once the animals made their way out of the area we re-grouped, gave our congrats to Jason and began calming our nerves after all that had taken place. I thought it was awfully ironic that the one hunt that Josh hadnt joined us on was our only productive hunt of the trip so I texted him to let him know that if he wanted to change his flight we might have a couple extra pictures for him to take. Within seconds he responded and began re-working his travel plans which allowed him to join us just two hours later.
Here is where my hunt begins.
We knew that based on the activity we had seen that morning we would likely have some success pushing farther into the woods. After about 15 minutes we left Jason to sit and wait for 2 hours before looking for his bull and we ascended the next peak. Once on top of the peak it was clear that our assumptions were right as we could hear at least 3 different bulls bugling; one to the left, one straight ahead and one to the right.
The loudest one seemed to be to the left so we took off in pursuit of him. Our chase led us to another creek bottom at the base of a ridge with some great elk sign. This was once again one of those bulls who's bugle will make you feel uncomfortable inside and like the one before we got close but we were never able to see him.
On our way back to meet Jason we heard yet another bull light up on the hillside and while Andrew was ready to head back, Chris and I decided it was worth giving it a shot since it was my last day. So once again we put out our radar and began following the sound of that elk directly to the base of the ridge to assess how high on the hill he probably was. At times, the volume is very deceptive and this was one of those times. Every time we thought we were getting closer we realized we still needed to climb more to get right in on top of him if we were going to have a chance to seal the deal.
One thing that I learned in elk hunting this fall is that if you are not uncomfortably close to the elk before you start calling you are probably not going to get a shot...at least not with the bow. When you are chasing after one that is at a stalemate you will hit your point of discomfort where every inch forward seems like a mile and that is where we got to with this bull.
Once we arrived in the "discomfort zone" Chris stayed back and I began my slow stalk into the bulls personal space. Without a whole lot of cover I got set up just to the right of a large rock and behind a limb that was slightly taller than I am. From my position I had large pine trees in front of me at about 18 yards and a clear shot range that stayed that distance from my 11 o'clock to my 6 o'clock. From my position I could also see through the pine trees directly to a large tree that was shaking violently as a result of grown elk antlers raking across it.
As I sat and watched the tree shake I heard Chris let out a cow call from behind me and the tree went still. The next minute went by in slow motion as I watched the bull pick up his head and begin walking directly toward me. I will probably never in my life forget watching that 800lb 6x6 bull and those wide antlers come walking through the pine trees directly in front of me.
The moment before he split the pines I drew my bow back and readied for the shot. Once he crossed through the pines he turned broadside and began moving to my right. As he moved so did I as I swung my body to line up for the shot. Seconds later he cleared any obstacle brush and I let the arrow fly to a point on his body which was exactly center vertically and 4 inches behind the crease in his shoulder. Once the arrow made contact I watched it disappear and I knew that the shot was perfect...literally within an inch of where I was aiming.
Not knowing exactly what had happened the elk took several steps up the hill, changed his direction and I saw the exit wound. I could not have been more excited that not only had the arrow gone where it was placed but I had gotten a full pass through and there was no way he could survive the shot. The bull stayed on the trail, disoriented and staring in my direction trying to decipher what had happened. In that moment I was very thankful for the opportunity to do what I had done and extremely thankful for the shot placement.
As I stood there watching him trying to remain calm I heard the sound of crashing up and down trees behind me. I soon realized that there were 3 bears at about 50 yards moving in my direction. As a result I had to adjust my position to make sure the bears were aware of my presence. My movement caused the big bull to start walking away though he was clearly moving slowly and not alarmed.
That was at 1015am and when I sat down I could hardly believe what had just happened. I was overwhelmed with excitement but more than anything I was ecstatic about the shot which had also been seen by Andrew. I knew that I had hit exactly where I wanted to and there was no doubt...NONE...that he was dead within 100 yards of where he was shot. So I sat and tried to be patient and give him his time knowing that I would soon go to claim the elk that I had worked very, very hard for.
The short version of this very long story is that after nearly 30 man hours of searching we never found my bull. We scowered that hillside, two ridges, the drainage on both sides of the spine and the creekbed only to come up with nothing.
As I write this I just got off the phone with Chris who is still in Colorado. He spoke with another seasoned elk hunter who knows the situation all too well. We all know that the elk is dead but the chances of finding him are slim to none. Even a bull that is hit well is still a rugged, strong animal made to take a lot and keep moving to places where he will never be discovered.
To say the very least I am disappointed though that is hardly a word that can describe the frustration I have been dealing with for the past five days. I have spent plenty of my life hunting but I have never worked that hard only to lose the hunt in the last second over a shot that was perfectly placed. My mind cant really get around that and its probably because it seems like its lacking some sense of justice. I did all that work, put in all those miles, practiced the shot hundreds of times and that elk should have been laying exactly where I thought he was.
I have played out the situation hundreds of times in my head and each time I struggle to find what I could have done differently. Its a miserable feeling to constantly analyze something that you did well and force yourself to find fault in it but thats where Ive found myself.
While I didnt return with my elk I did return with a whole new appreciation for hunting, the mountains, the outdoors, my physical competence and the guys I shared the experience with. I also gained an appreciation for the elk and what strong and intense animals they are. This was definitely the kind of trip that will teach you a little bit about yourself and I learned plenty.
If anyone asked me if they should try elk hunting I would tell them that if you're going to do it yourself on public land with no guide then you had better be prepared. You should prepare to be in great shape and you will still get your ass kicked. You should be prepared mentally for the long days and the fact that you will have to concentrate on making a shot when an 800lb horned animal is coming in for a fight. You should also prepare emotionally for exactly what I went through that even when you think that everything went perfectly it might not have and all of your hard work may still send you home empty handed.
Awesome trip.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Messages From God
"Every week our prophetic prayer ministry listens for what God might be trying to tell us this week". That sentence alone could probably make me more uncomfortable than anything on earth if for some reason my dad was sitting next to me in Church. I can just imagine the thought, "Wow, this has really been a great service" straight to "Wow, these people are crazy". Maybe I dont give him enough credit or maybe I know that he's just like me and thats exactly what I thought the first 50 times I heard them say it. And, if that wasnt enough the messages themselves will certainly seal the deal. Lately it seems like there has been a lot of wildlife messages including some serious words about marine life.
Let me start off by saying I am pretty cynical on the topic. Its funny because I really love Christ and I have seen the Holy Spirit at work in my life and other people's but I have a wall up that is very strong against anything that might be less than authentic. Does that make me judgmental? At times, Im sure. But whats more than that is the fact that I could be missing out on what the Lord has in store for me and the way that maybe He wants to speak to me in a new way.
I remember a Saturday morning in the fall of last year. For whatever reason everyone that I knew was busy so I packed the truck and headed out to Folly Beach by myself to surf a very large storm swell from an approaching tropical storm. As I parked at 9th ave and stepped on to the boardwalk I could clearly see that it would be a challenging day to surf for anyone but especially someone trying to get through the break on a longboard. After watching it for a while I decided I wouldnt paddle out and a very weird feeling came over me of defeat and it was much heavier than it should have been. That was the first time in at least a decade that I had decided not to go.
After ditching the surfboard I grabbed my fly rod and went out to a saltwater flat by myself to fish the tide for tailing redfish. For the next two hours I waded that flat with the feeling of defeat on my shoulders only in part because of the surf but more due to the weight of where I had come with Palmetto Medical. I was at a point where I was stepping away from Prison Fellowship and had just gone through a year of trying to juggle two full time jobs without a break. As a result of being burnt out I began to entertain feelings of potential failure, discouragement and I think that I was just internalizing things to a degree that I felt alone relative to the organization. I felt like it was imminent that we would lose support or that people would see my position in the organization as unnecessary or our numbers just werent where they should be. All that I know is that for two hours I wrestled with my thoughts and my faith.
The next morning I showed up to St. Andrews and went through a fairly routine service
and we eventually found our way to the weekly messages from God. There were a couple messages that went through and then I heard "For a man who went to the beach and stared at the waves but wouldnt go out. The Lord is here for you and wants to minister to you in your time of being overwhelmed".
It really didnt matter how much I tried to rationalize it, I knew that the Lord had given that message for me in a time where trying to reassure myself in his plan and purpose just simply wasnt providing me peace. Did He need to do that? No. But it was so comforting to know that in the midst of my struggle that He saw me there and was walking through it with me.
This is the thing I think I am working through most right now in my relationship with Christ. How can I move beyond or outside of the way that I perceive Christ and the Father for who they truly are. How do I move to a point of comfort with the Holy Spirit to where I dont demand control over the situation and simply trust in the way that He moves. Not only that, how do I go from getting a taste of what He has to offer to living into that every day and experiencing a state of truly being Spirit filled and led?
I know that its going to take a conscious decision from me and at times it seems like the gravity or magnitude of that decision is daunting to me. I hold so tightly to my control. I have no problem with being obedient to the Lord's direction in my life and pursuing and "doing" the things I feel led to do but I struggle in the relationship and I struggle in the vulnerability.
I wish that I could start my relationship with Christ in a completely new way. A way where I didnt carry so much religious baggage with me that has taught me to understand things a certain way. I wish that I could see things the way that Christ intended for me to see, understand and experience them. The process of undoing and erasing years of other people's perceptions and thoughts is tiring but I know its worth the process.
At the end of the day the Holy Spirit pretty much scares the crap out of me. But, I definitely want and know I need to fully embrace the power that is there. Pray for me.
Let me start off by saying I am pretty cynical on the topic. Its funny because I really love Christ and I have seen the Holy Spirit at work in my life and other people's but I have a wall up that is very strong against anything that might be less than authentic. Does that make me judgmental? At times, Im sure. But whats more than that is the fact that I could be missing out on what the Lord has in store for me and the way that maybe He wants to speak to me in a new way.
I remember a Saturday morning in the fall of last year. For whatever reason everyone that I knew was busy so I packed the truck and headed out to Folly Beach by myself to surf a very large storm swell from an approaching tropical storm. As I parked at 9th ave and stepped on to the boardwalk I could clearly see that it would be a challenging day to surf for anyone but especially someone trying to get through the break on a longboard. After watching it for a while I decided I wouldnt paddle out and a very weird feeling came over me of defeat and it was much heavier than it should have been. That was the first time in at least a decade that I had decided not to go.
After ditching the surfboard I grabbed my fly rod and went out to a saltwater flat by myself to fish the tide for tailing redfish. For the next two hours I waded that flat with the feeling of defeat on my shoulders only in part because of the surf but more due to the weight of where I had come with Palmetto Medical. I was at a point where I was stepping away from Prison Fellowship and had just gone through a year of trying to juggle two full time jobs without a break. As a result of being burnt out I began to entertain feelings of potential failure, discouragement and I think that I was just internalizing things to a degree that I felt alone relative to the organization. I felt like it was imminent that we would lose support or that people would see my position in the organization as unnecessary or our numbers just werent where they should be. All that I know is that for two hours I wrestled with my thoughts and my faith.
The next morning I showed up to St. Andrews and went through a fairly routine service
and we eventually found our way to the weekly messages from God. There were a couple messages that went through and then I heard "For a man who went to the beach and stared at the waves but wouldnt go out. The Lord is here for you and wants to minister to you in your time of being overwhelmed".
It really didnt matter how much I tried to rationalize it, I knew that the Lord had given that message for me in a time where trying to reassure myself in his plan and purpose just simply wasnt providing me peace. Did He need to do that? No. But it was so comforting to know that in the midst of my struggle that He saw me there and was walking through it with me.
This is the thing I think I am working through most right now in my relationship with Christ. How can I move beyond or outside of the way that I perceive Christ and the Father for who they truly are. How do I move to a point of comfort with the Holy Spirit to where I dont demand control over the situation and simply trust in the way that He moves. Not only that, how do I go from getting a taste of what He has to offer to living into that every day and experiencing a state of truly being Spirit filled and led?
I know that its going to take a conscious decision from me and at times it seems like the gravity or magnitude of that decision is daunting to me. I hold so tightly to my control. I have no problem with being obedient to the Lord's direction in my life and pursuing and "doing" the things I feel led to do but I struggle in the relationship and I struggle in the vulnerability.
I wish that I could start my relationship with Christ in a completely new way. A way where I didnt carry so much religious baggage with me that has taught me to understand things a certain way. I wish that I could see things the way that Christ intended for me to see, understand and experience them. The process of undoing and erasing years of other people's perceptions and thoughts is tiring but I know its worth the process.
At the end of the day the Holy Spirit pretty much scares the crap out of me. But, I definitely want and know I need to fully embrace the power that is there. Pray for me.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Meeting Behavior Guidelines
My life consists of meetings. Since I work out of the house I am constantly going somewhere in town to meet with folks on topics ranging from Palmetto Medical Initiative to relationship committment issues (no one in particular here) to new business ideas. Yesterday I found myself in a meeting that defied my imagination of just how bad a meeting could get. As a result I would like to provide a handy list of reminders for other people who may not be quite as experienced in the art of a successful meeting. Here's five recommendations to keep in mind.
THE URGE - Just because you have the urge to say something doesnt necessarily mean that you should speak. For some people in a meeting its almost like they need to establish their presence by making a comment. They want you to know who they are and that they have something to say. The only problem is that if you're like me I dont really care what you have to say unless you're the one running the meeting because only the leader has the power to close the meeting which is always what Im looking forward to. If you absolutely must say something please make sure it has not already been covered and that it will benefit the entire group. Otherwise, the fact that you dont understand something isnt really a reason to punish me by making me wait through your processing.
OVERESTIMATING YOUR VALUE - While you may have been invited to a meeting that doesnt mean that anyone necessarily values your opinion on what is being discussed. This is especially true when you werent personally invited - you were just simply a part of a huge group to whom a blanket invitation was given. This kind of reminds me of when someone prices an item way too high on Craigslist and they sincerely believe that someone out there will value their item just as much as they do. The only problem is that it will never sell and you'll be left with your junk at the end of the day. Likewise, just because you have an opinion on the topic doesnt mean that its going to change anything. So please dont be shocked when the entire plan isnt adapted to your wish especially when you are the only person in the room who thinks that way. Using the Craigslist analogy your opinion is your over-valued junk so please take your junk and exit the meeting because nobody would buy it even if it was free.
LET ME TAKE THAT - No. Unless you are the leader of the meeting you should not be volunteering your services due to the risk of further complicating what is probably already a controversial question or issue. If you are the leader and someone says "do you mind if I answer that?" you had better be pretty darn sure that the person knows what they're talking about before you consent. Again, I dont really care if you do know the answer to what has been brought up - guess what, I probably do too. But, Im not going to answer because I didnt call this meeting together.
THE OSCAR - The Oscar goes to the most dramatic person in a meeting that has managed to turn something pretty straightforward into something that makes me want so uncomfortable that I have to close my eyes and go to another place in my mind until I hear the person stop talking. This can be the overly enthusiastic person who has jumped forward 10 steps and ignored all logic and reason in their assessment. Or this can be a person who incredibly overstates the issue at hand to make it seem much more grand than it really is. An example might be something like talking about the kind of people that you would like to invite to a new church you are starting and having someone in the crowd state that those people will "have done satanic rituals, drank blood and sacrificed their children" to illustrate the point that the crowd will likely be unchurched. That kind of comment wins the meeting Oscar for most dramatic performance. It also wins the "What would have caused you to say that" and "Have you ever been to a meeting before" and "Do you talk like that to your friends" awards.
MULTI TASKING - When I worked for Prison Fellowship I was constantly on conference calls. It was like the crack of the organization and no one could get enough. This was okay if there were a maximum of six people on the line but there were times when we would have 60-90 people on the phone if there were a major issue at hand. I hated conference calls but I always looked forward to seeing who would fail to mute their phone during a presentation. Inevitably someone would think their cell phone was muted during a call they should have been paying attention to but in fact they would be at the drive through window at McDonalds placing an order for an iced capuccino. There was also the time when a big decision had been made and was being presented that one of our Regional Directors could be heard (without a muted phone) saying "You've got to be kidding me! You cant do that! Does he think we're all just going to change everything?" To which our SVP responded "ummm...Rod...we can hear you brother". That made me both laugh and also become very nauseous. Here's the point, if you're going to multi-task you had better be pretty cautious.
The list could go on but these are some meeting rules that I try to live by. I hope they provide you some mental checkpoints for your next group setting.
THE URGE - Just because you have the urge to say something doesnt necessarily mean that you should speak. For some people in a meeting its almost like they need to establish their presence by making a comment. They want you to know who they are and that they have something to say. The only problem is that if you're like me I dont really care what you have to say unless you're the one running the meeting because only the leader has the power to close the meeting which is always what Im looking forward to. If you absolutely must say something please make sure it has not already been covered and that it will benefit the entire group. Otherwise, the fact that you dont understand something isnt really a reason to punish me by making me wait through your processing.
OVERESTIMATING YOUR VALUE - While you may have been invited to a meeting that doesnt mean that anyone necessarily values your opinion on what is being discussed. This is especially true when you werent personally invited - you were just simply a part of a huge group to whom a blanket invitation was given. This kind of reminds me of when someone prices an item way too high on Craigslist and they sincerely believe that someone out there will value their item just as much as they do. The only problem is that it will never sell and you'll be left with your junk at the end of the day. Likewise, just because you have an opinion on the topic doesnt mean that its going to change anything. So please dont be shocked when the entire plan isnt adapted to your wish especially when you are the only person in the room who thinks that way. Using the Craigslist analogy your opinion is your over-valued junk so please take your junk and exit the meeting because nobody would buy it even if it was free.
LET ME TAKE THAT - No. Unless you are the leader of the meeting you should not be volunteering your services due to the risk of further complicating what is probably already a controversial question or issue. If you are the leader and someone says "do you mind if I answer that?" you had better be pretty darn sure that the person knows what they're talking about before you consent. Again, I dont really care if you do know the answer to what has been brought up - guess what, I probably do too. But, Im not going to answer because I didnt call this meeting together.
THE OSCAR - The Oscar goes to the most dramatic person in a meeting that has managed to turn something pretty straightforward into something that makes me want so uncomfortable that I have to close my eyes and go to another place in my mind until I hear the person stop talking. This can be the overly enthusiastic person who has jumped forward 10 steps and ignored all logic and reason in their assessment. Or this can be a person who incredibly overstates the issue at hand to make it seem much more grand than it really is. An example might be something like talking about the kind of people that you would like to invite to a new church you are starting and having someone in the crowd state that those people will "have done satanic rituals, drank blood and sacrificed their children" to illustrate the point that the crowd will likely be unchurched. That kind of comment wins the meeting Oscar for most dramatic performance. It also wins the "What would have caused you to say that" and "Have you ever been to a meeting before" and "Do you talk like that to your friends" awards.
MULTI TASKING - When I worked for Prison Fellowship I was constantly on conference calls. It was like the crack of the organization and no one could get enough. This was okay if there were a maximum of six people on the line but there were times when we would have 60-90 people on the phone if there were a major issue at hand. I hated conference calls but I always looked forward to seeing who would fail to mute their phone during a presentation. Inevitably someone would think their cell phone was muted during a call they should have been paying attention to but in fact they would be at the drive through window at McDonalds placing an order for an iced capuccino. There was also the time when a big decision had been made and was being presented that one of our Regional Directors could be heard (without a muted phone) saying "You've got to be kidding me! You cant do that! Does he think we're all just going to change everything?" To which our SVP responded "ummm...Rod...we can hear you brother". That made me both laugh and also become very nauseous. Here's the point, if you're going to multi-task you had better be pretty cautious.
The list could go on but these are some meeting rules that I try to live by. I hope they provide you some mental checkpoints for your next group setting.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Gym Class
Where do you even begin? When I was 12 my dad took a job with a company called Northern Automotive that was based in Phoenix, Arizona. Upon my arrival in Phoenix I was entering middle school which is a whole new phase of life for a kid. For me though it was a whole new phase accompanied with all new people, a new landscape and a very different culture.
I can remember the first day that I walked into my new school. Even though I was as shy as ever during that time I can remember thinking that I was pretty much a total and complete badass based on my wardrobe so that gave me some confidence. Im not sure what part of the jean shorts, UGA Football t-shirt or high top black reebok pumps with the orange basketball on the tongue gave me confidence but something did...maybe it was the gold chain I bought at a yard sale in Bristol, TN. For reference, this was about the time that the new Metallica album LOAD came out - the one where they all shaved their pony tails and their music started the downward spiral into what it is now. Nevertheless though, my uncle and I listened to it over and over and over.
Among many other things, gym class when you're in middle school is just weird. Ive never really understood the rationale behind the timing of the class. You have fifty boys who go outside and sweat for an hour and then they go back to class reeking worse than hot trash because only 15% of them have started wearing deodorant and 90% of them are wearing dirty clothes anyway.
I guess thats why they introduced the gym clothes and made everyone wear the same uniform which was clearly hand picked by Coach Edigar. Coach Edigar was a fairly nice man who always wore tank-tops, white leather shoes, a whistle and VERY short cotton gym shorts...semi/completely inappropriate. Even if I didnt care for him that much I will always appreciate the fact that he stood by and watched as Jason (a fat kid) stood over top of Brett (a jock heckler) and beat his face in. We all wanted to do it and I think that Coach may have secretly wanted to do it as well.
I was what you would call a bit of a husky young man. My dad used to try to tell me that the extra weight in my legs would be great for hitting the baseball so I tried to embrace that. Unfortunately, the legs didnt look so good in those gym shorts and truth be told the t-shirt wasnt really big enough either. It was kind of like trying to cover a whale with a beach towell.
As a result of the poorly fitting uniform I decided I wasnt going to wear it and I made up excuses like "I lost it" or "I left it at home". I can remember seeing the disgust in Coach's face that I had once again not aligned myself with the dress code.
What is every heavy kid's absolute worst nightmare? THE PRESIDENTS PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST. This was the one time each year when you could actually confirm everyone's suspicions about how out of shape you were. There in front of everyone you had the chance to that not only were you not fast nor did you have any stamina but you were also able to prove that even though you were big you were actually not that strong.
Here are a few of the highlights:
Chin Up - Let's get one thing straight - fat 12 year old's cant do chin ups. Period. Its just not going to happen. Therefore, making a 12 year old who weighs 190 lbs step up to a bar to attempt a chin up should be some sort of child abuse. I can remember kids going in front of me and doing a dozen chin ups and thinking "Im not even sure if I can hold myself off the ground". In sixth grade it was my turn and after stating that there was no way I could do one I was told to just try. So, I did the classic attempt. I walked up to the bar and put my hands on it. Next, I jumped as high as I could (not very high as you can imagine) and tried to make it look like my leap was a surge of strength. The main problem with that was when I started to come down I clearly had absolutely no control over my muscles and my elbows almost snapped. I think they still may have counted it as one though.
Endurance Run - When its 115 degrees outside the last thing you want to think about is a distance run where you are being judged based on the distance you complete. This is especially the case when you can really only complete one lap on a semi-jog and then you begin walking and spitting because you are so out of breath and your throat is full of crap that you have been hacking up. Fortunately, I figured out a great cover up for this. There was a group of skaters at the time who I kind of hung out with that pretty much did everything they could to ignore the teachers. So, for them they saw walking the whole event as a demonstration of anti-authority. It was at that time that I decided I too was going to be a rebel and if that meant that I had to walk the whole course then I was fine with that.
Sit Ups - It sucks when they make them impossible to fake. Its so much easier to pretend you're doing one when someone isnt sitting on your feet and counting for you. But, of course, that is how the test was structured. I can honestly say that I dont remember much other than that after 25 seconds I was sure of two things. First, I was pretty confident that my head was going to explode all over the person holding my feet. Second, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up all over the person holding my feet. Somehow I managed to survive without disgracing my workout partner.
Thankfully I dont have to do any more physical fitness tests and I actually enjoy going to the gym. Every time I crank out a few chin ups there is an extra sense of pride. Truth be told though I would probably still die in an endurance run.
I can remember the first day that I walked into my new school. Even though I was as shy as ever during that time I can remember thinking that I was pretty much a total and complete badass based on my wardrobe so that gave me some confidence. Im not sure what part of the jean shorts, UGA Football t-shirt or high top black reebok pumps with the orange basketball on the tongue gave me confidence but something did...maybe it was the gold chain I bought at a yard sale in Bristol, TN. For reference, this was about the time that the new Metallica album LOAD came out - the one where they all shaved their pony tails and their music started the downward spiral into what it is now. Nevertheless though, my uncle and I listened to it over and over and over.
Among many other things, gym class when you're in middle school is just weird. Ive never really understood the rationale behind the timing of the class. You have fifty boys who go outside and sweat for an hour and then they go back to class reeking worse than hot trash because only 15% of them have started wearing deodorant and 90% of them are wearing dirty clothes anyway.
I guess thats why they introduced the gym clothes and made everyone wear the same uniform which was clearly hand picked by Coach Edigar. Coach Edigar was a fairly nice man who always wore tank-tops, white leather shoes, a whistle and VERY short cotton gym shorts...semi/completely inappropriate. Even if I didnt care for him that much I will always appreciate the fact that he stood by and watched as Jason (a fat kid) stood over top of Brett (a jock heckler) and beat his face in. We all wanted to do it and I think that Coach may have secretly wanted to do it as well.
I was what you would call a bit of a husky young man. My dad used to try to tell me that the extra weight in my legs would be great for hitting the baseball so I tried to embrace that. Unfortunately, the legs didnt look so good in those gym shorts and truth be told the t-shirt wasnt really big enough either. It was kind of like trying to cover a whale with a beach towell.
As a result of the poorly fitting uniform I decided I wasnt going to wear it and I made up excuses like "I lost it" or "I left it at home". I can remember seeing the disgust in Coach's face that I had once again not aligned myself with the dress code.
What is every heavy kid's absolute worst nightmare? THE PRESIDENTS PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST. This was the one time each year when you could actually confirm everyone's suspicions about how out of shape you were. There in front of everyone you had the chance to that not only were you not fast nor did you have any stamina but you were also able to prove that even though you were big you were actually not that strong.
Here are a few of the highlights:
Chin Up - Let's get one thing straight - fat 12 year old's cant do chin ups. Period. Its just not going to happen. Therefore, making a 12 year old who weighs 190 lbs step up to a bar to attempt a chin up should be some sort of child abuse. I can remember kids going in front of me and doing a dozen chin ups and thinking "Im not even sure if I can hold myself off the ground". In sixth grade it was my turn and after stating that there was no way I could do one I was told to just try. So, I did the classic attempt. I walked up to the bar and put my hands on it. Next, I jumped as high as I could (not very high as you can imagine) and tried to make it look like my leap was a surge of strength. The main problem with that was when I started to come down I clearly had absolutely no control over my muscles and my elbows almost snapped. I think they still may have counted it as one though.
Endurance Run - When its 115 degrees outside the last thing you want to think about is a distance run where you are being judged based on the distance you complete. This is especially the case when you can really only complete one lap on a semi-jog and then you begin walking and spitting because you are so out of breath and your throat is full of crap that you have been hacking up. Fortunately, I figured out a great cover up for this. There was a group of skaters at the time who I kind of hung out with that pretty much did everything they could to ignore the teachers. So, for them they saw walking the whole event as a demonstration of anti-authority. It was at that time that I decided I too was going to be a rebel and if that meant that I had to walk the whole course then I was fine with that.
Sit Ups - It sucks when they make them impossible to fake. Its so much easier to pretend you're doing one when someone isnt sitting on your feet and counting for you. But, of course, that is how the test was structured. I can honestly say that I dont remember much other than that after 25 seconds I was sure of two things. First, I was pretty confident that my head was going to explode all over the person holding my feet. Second, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up all over the person holding my feet. Somehow I managed to survive without disgracing my workout partner.
Thankfully I dont have to do any more physical fitness tests and I actually enjoy going to the gym. Every time I crank out a few chin ups there is an extra sense of pride. Truth be told though I would probably still die in an endurance run.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The boy
Isnt it interesting that you can see a boys penis when he's 17 weeks old? It was interesting to me. That little piece of anatomy will change my life forever. My first child will be a son and I guess Im going to be a dad. That is of course unless Molly misread the renegade ultrasound that we did and its a girl. If its a girl then this blog will need some revision. We'll know Tuesday.
The question comes to mind "what kind of dad will I be?". The truth is though I already know what kind of dad I will be. That is one of the problems with being fairly self aware is that it limits my ability to ever be an idealist or dreamer in situations such as this. I feel acutely aware of what my strengths will be and also what my weaknesses or struggles will be.
Finding out that we are having a boy has been both exciting and daunting to me. A few months ago a friend of mine who now has both a boy and a girl told me something along the lines of having a girl means you can pretty much get away with being a nice guy and smiling a lot. Whereas, having a boy is a completely different level of responsibility.
Part of me really wanted to have a daughter first. Having a daughter would have meant that my inclination to train a child (like a dog) would probably not have been as strong and the more sensitive side of my personality would have probably shown through. The flip side is though that by the time she was in high school that sensitive side would have turned into a passionate, maniacal, protective and controlling guardian. So, perhaps the Lord knew what He was doing with the son first thing.
I feel like Im already aware of the possibility of failing as a father to this boy. My fear of that failure brings it to the forefront of my mind on a regular basis. I think that one of my greatest goals in life will be to have great relationships with my kids. My worst nightmare would be to have a son who doesnt want to be around me or resents me.
I do wonder what he will be interested in? Will he be interested in the same things I am? Will he love the outdoors? What in the world will his personality be like? Will he love drama class and theater and if he does will I be as supportive of that as I would be of other things? What is he going to look like? All of these deserve their own post.
One thing is for sure, he is going to get to go on some fun adventures with his dad. I dont think there will be many other little boys who come back from spring break in 5th grade after going turkey hunting in New Mexico or get to take a week break from school in the fall to go chase deer or elk. He will definitely learn to appreciate a well-organized garage and the importance of guy time. Im sure he'll pick up on how to tell stories. Im sure he'll become a better fisherman than I ever dreamed of being and I have a feeling he'll be pretty comfortable on a surfboard. Overall, I think he will get to be a little boy and have adventures in the woods and in the creeks and get to wear boots and carry a pocket knife long before he probably should.
Right now I think my biggest prayer for this boy is that he feels known. I pray that he grows up in a family where he feels known by his parents. I pray that he enters a relationship with Christ where he understands and embraces that he is fully known. I pray that in my father to son relationship with him that he feels known and understood and supported and loved.
The question comes to mind "what kind of dad will I be?". The truth is though I already know what kind of dad I will be. That is one of the problems with being fairly self aware is that it limits my ability to ever be an idealist or dreamer in situations such as this. I feel acutely aware of what my strengths will be and also what my weaknesses or struggles will be.
Finding out that we are having a boy has been both exciting and daunting to me. A few months ago a friend of mine who now has both a boy and a girl told me something along the lines of having a girl means you can pretty much get away with being a nice guy and smiling a lot. Whereas, having a boy is a completely different level of responsibility.
Part of me really wanted to have a daughter first. Having a daughter would have meant that my inclination to train a child (like a dog) would probably not have been as strong and the more sensitive side of my personality would have probably shown through. The flip side is though that by the time she was in high school that sensitive side would have turned into a passionate, maniacal, protective and controlling guardian. So, perhaps the Lord knew what He was doing with the son first thing.
I feel like Im already aware of the possibility of failing as a father to this boy. My fear of that failure brings it to the forefront of my mind on a regular basis. I think that one of my greatest goals in life will be to have great relationships with my kids. My worst nightmare would be to have a son who doesnt want to be around me or resents me.
I do wonder what he will be interested in? Will he be interested in the same things I am? Will he love the outdoors? What in the world will his personality be like? Will he love drama class and theater and if he does will I be as supportive of that as I would be of other things? What is he going to look like? All of these deserve their own post.
One thing is for sure, he is going to get to go on some fun adventures with his dad. I dont think there will be many other little boys who come back from spring break in 5th grade after going turkey hunting in New Mexico or get to take a week break from school in the fall to go chase deer or elk. He will definitely learn to appreciate a well-organized garage and the importance of guy time. Im sure he'll pick up on how to tell stories. Im sure he'll become a better fisherman than I ever dreamed of being and I have a feeling he'll be pretty comfortable on a surfboard. Overall, I think he will get to be a little boy and have adventures in the woods and in the creeks and get to wear boots and carry a pocket knife long before he probably should.
Right now I think my biggest prayer for this boy is that he feels known. I pray that he grows up in a family where he feels known by his parents. I pray that he enters a relationship with Christ where he understands and embraces that he is fully known. I pray that in my father to son relationship with him that he feels known and understood and supported and loved.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Seasons
For the last several years many people have found themselves in the midst of a conversation with Hannah and I regarding children. The conversation typically went something like me trying to present the most persuasive argument for having kids while Hannah would simply state that she was not ready and it was not going to happen.
So, when she told me last fall that she was done with birth control it kind of caught me off guard. Im a planner. I have a hard time making sense out of decisions that dont fall into a timeline or systematic approach. Instead of responding with excitement and joy I immediately said "What about the Africa trip?". Poor Hannah thought she had delivered the greatest news of my lifetime but I was already revising the plan in my head and trying to digest this spontaneity.
This all happened at a time in my life when I was probably as burnt out as Ive ever been. After spending a year working a full time job and starting PMI my mind was tired. PMI had experienced amazing growth and a fantastic first year. I should have been more happy than ever because just weeks earlier I had left Prison Fellowship and I was concentrating solely on an organization I had been a part of building from the ground up. Instead, I felt as though I couldnt do anything in my life well. I still felt as though I was drowning in a never ending pile of projects and relationships that I was letting slide. That feeling made me want to start something entirely new and walk away from everything else.
Two days before Hannah and I left for Italy I had one of the toughest days I can remember. It was the result of the burn out and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and the result was feeling heavy oppression and confusion. What started out as a business meeting on Daniel Island with Andy turned into a four hour conversation with me unable to articulate any of my thoughts and unable to pinpoint where the source of the problem really was. Andy sat and listened and prayed. We prayed the next day as well.
At that time the very last thing I wanted to do was fly to Italy. That was a trip that I was doing solely for Hannah (and prosciutto) and given my state of mind at the time I could think of plenty of better things to be doing with my time.
Italy was the starting point of the greatest season of my life. As I think about it now it is hard to articulate what an amazing trip that was for me. The only way that I know to describe it is rest and peace and love and friendship.
It was an amazing experience to be sitting with Hannah at dinner in Rome and feel as though we were truly on a date and I was getting to know her all over again. Italy seemed to provide an environment where Hannah was the purest form of herself that I had ever seen. Every conversation, every meal, every museum, every train ride was wonderful because I was blanketed with a sense of peace and I was truly with my best friend in the world who I was completely in love with.
The next five months were also wonderful. We were able to bring our renewed minds and relationship back to Charleston and enjoy the winter months together. We made a habit of going on real dates to great restaurants and sharing bottles of wine and just enjoying each others company.
Then suddenly it was April. Hannah had noticed some subtle changes in her body and she decided she would take a test on Saturday morning. That morning I woke up at 530 to go turkey hunting with Mark only to see that Hannah was already up. I could see the light coming from the bathroom and I knew that she had taken the test. With a second test to confirm it we found out that Hannah was pregnant with our first child. That was the morning of Hannah's 26th birthday.
For someone who thinks like I do, an event of this magnitude causes you to think very deeply about what is to come. In the midst of being filled with excitement and joy I found myself getting lost in the reality that came along with that test. All those times I had pushed for children and I never had any clue what it would actually be like to know that Hannah was pregnant.
There was a part of me that was very sad that such a wonderful season in Hannah and I's marriage was over. For those five months we had been able to tune everything else out and concentrate on loving and serving each other. At times it was almost as if we had gone back to our first five months together and experienced that same love that can feel like infatuation at times. I wondered if the pregnancy and the baby would get in the way of our intimate friendship which was a hard thought to address.
Thankfully, Christ has led us into a wonderful new season of our lives. Hannah is as beautiful as I have ever seen her and she is doing so well with the pregnancy. We have felt the love and support of friends and family who are sharing in our excitement about the new baby. I am already seeing the new ways in which Hannah and I will have to rely on each other more and seek to understand each other more and I know that will continue to deepen our marriage as a result. I am most thankful for the assurance of God's timing and His trust in us to raise this child. I take it as a vote of confidence and Im excited to learn and be a steward.
This baby will always remind me of a wonderful season of my life. A season where anxiety and feelings of worthlessness were replaced with peace and renewed purpose. This baby will definitely always remind me of how much I love Hannah and how thankful I am that she is my wife and partner and friend.
And yes, I did start to cry when I saw the baby's heartbeat on the first ultrasound.
So, when she told me last fall that she was done with birth control it kind of caught me off guard. Im a planner. I have a hard time making sense out of decisions that dont fall into a timeline or systematic approach. Instead of responding with excitement and joy I immediately said "What about the Africa trip?". Poor Hannah thought she had delivered the greatest news of my lifetime but I was already revising the plan in my head and trying to digest this spontaneity.
This all happened at a time in my life when I was probably as burnt out as Ive ever been. After spending a year working a full time job and starting PMI my mind was tired. PMI had experienced amazing growth and a fantastic first year. I should have been more happy than ever because just weeks earlier I had left Prison Fellowship and I was concentrating solely on an organization I had been a part of building from the ground up. Instead, I felt as though I couldnt do anything in my life well. I still felt as though I was drowning in a never ending pile of projects and relationships that I was letting slide. That feeling made me want to start something entirely new and walk away from everything else.
Two days before Hannah and I left for Italy I had one of the toughest days I can remember. It was the result of the burn out and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and the result was feeling heavy oppression and confusion. What started out as a business meeting on Daniel Island with Andy turned into a four hour conversation with me unable to articulate any of my thoughts and unable to pinpoint where the source of the problem really was. Andy sat and listened and prayed. We prayed the next day as well.
At that time the very last thing I wanted to do was fly to Italy. That was a trip that I was doing solely for Hannah (and prosciutto) and given my state of mind at the time I could think of plenty of better things to be doing with my time.
Italy was the starting point of the greatest season of my life. As I think about it now it is hard to articulate what an amazing trip that was for me. The only way that I know to describe it is rest and peace and love and friendship.
It was an amazing experience to be sitting with Hannah at dinner in Rome and feel as though we were truly on a date and I was getting to know her all over again. Italy seemed to provide an environment where Hannah was the purest form of herself that I had ever seen. Every conversation, every meal, every museum, every train ride was wonderful because I was blanketed with a sense of peace and I was truly with my best friend in the world who I was completely in love with.
The next five months were also wonderful. We were able to bring our renewed minds and relationship back to Charleston and enjoy the winter months together. We made a habit of going on real dates to great restaurants and sharing bottles of wine and just enjoying each others company.
Then suddenly it was April. Hannah had noticed some subtle changes in her body and she decided she would take a test on Saturday morning. That morning I woke up at 530 to go turkey hunting with Mark only to see that Hannah was already up. I could see the light coming from the bathroom and I knew that she had taken the test. With a second test to confirm it we found out that Hannah was pregnant with our first child. That was the morning of Hannah's 26th birthday.
For someone who thinks like I do, an event of this magnitude causes you to think very deeply about what is to come. In the midst of being filled with excitement and joy I found myself getting lost in the reality that came along with that test. All those times I had pushed for children and I never had any clue what it would actually be like to know that Hannah was pregnant.
There was a part of me that was very sad that such a wonderful season in Hannah and I's marriage was over. For those five months we had been able to tune everything else out and concentrate on loving and serving each other. At times it was almost as if we had gone back to our first five months together and experienced that same love that can feel like infatuation at times. I wondered if the pregnancy and the baby would get in the way of our intimate friendship which was a hard thought to address.
Thankfully, Christ has led us into a wonderful new season of our lives. Hannah is as beautiful as I have ever seen her and she is doing so well with the pregnancy. We have felt the love and support of friends and family who are sharing in our excitement about the new baby. I am already seeing the new ways in which Hannah and I will have to rely on each other more and seek to understand each other more and I know that will continue to deepen our marriage as a result. I am most thankful for the assurance of God's timing and His trust in us to raise this child. I take it as a vote of confidence and Im excited to learn and be a steward.
This baby will always remind me of a wonderful season of my life. A season where anxiety and feelings of worthlessness were replaced with peace and renewed purpose. This baby will definitely always remind me of how much I love Hannah and how thankful I am that she is my wife and partner and friend.
And yes, I did start to cry when I saw the baby's heartbeat on the first ultrasound.
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