Seasons

For the last several years many people have found themselves in the midst of a conversation with Hannah and I regarding children. The conversation typically went something like me trying to present the most persuasive argument for having kids while Hannah would simply state that she was not ready and it was not going to happen.

So, when she told me last fall that she was done with birth control it kind of caught me off guard. Im a planner. I have a hard time making sense out of decisions that dont fall into a timeline or systematic approach. Instead of responding with excitement and joy I immediately said "What about the Africa trip?". Poor Hannah thought she had delivered the greatest news of my lifetime but I was already revising the plan in my head and trying to digest this spontaneity.

This all happened at a time in my life when I was probably as burnt out as Ive ever been. After spending a year working a full time job and starting PMI my mind was tired. PMI had experienced amazing growth and a fantastic first year. I should have been more happy than ever because just weeks earlier I had left Prison Fellowship and I was concentrating solely on an organization I had been a part of building from the ground up. Instead, I felt as though I couldnt do anything in my life well. I still felt as though I was drowning in a never ending pile of projects and relationships that I was letting slide. That feeling made me want to start something entirely new and walk away from everything else.

Two days before Hannah and I left for Italy I had one of the toughest days I can remember. It was the result of the burn out and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and the result was feeling heavy oppression and confusion. What started out as a business meeting on Daniel Island with Andy turned into a four hour conversation with me unable to articulate any of my thoughts and unable to pinpoint where the source of the problem really was. Andy sat and listened and prayed. We prayed the next day as well.

At that time the very last thing I wanted to do was fly to Italy. That was a trip that I was doing solely for Hannah (and prosciutto) and given my state of mind at the time I could think of plenty of better things to be doing with my time.

Italy was the starting point of the greatest season of my life. As I think about it now it is hard to articulate what an amazing trip that was for me. The only way that I know to describe it is rest and peace and love and friendship.

It was an amazing experience to be sitting with Hannah at dinner in Rome and feel as though we were truly on a date and I was getting to know her all over again. Italy seemed to provide an environment where Hannah was the purest form of herself that I had ever seen. Every conversation, every meal, every museum, every train ride was wonderful because I was blanketed with a sense of peace and I was truly with my best friend in the world who I was completely in love with.

The next five months were also wonderful. We were able to bring our renewed minds and relationship back to Charleston and enjoy the winter months together. We made a habit of going on real dates to great restaurants and sharing bottles of wine and just enjoying each others company.

Then suddenly it was April. Hannah had noticed some subtle changes in her body and she decided she would take a test on Saturday morning. That morning I woke up at 530 to go turkey hunting with Mark only to see that Hannah was already up. I could see the light coming from the bathroom and I knew that she had taken the test. With a second test to confirm it we found out that Hannah was pregnant with our first child. That was the morning of Hannah's 26th birthday.

For someone who thinks like I do, an event of this magnitude causes you to think very deeply about what is to come. In the midst of being filled with excitement and joy I found myself getting lost in the reality that came along with that test. All those times I had pushed for children and I never had any clue what it would actually be like to know that Hannah was pregnant.

There was a part of me that was very sad that such a wonderful season in Hannah and I's marriage was over. For those five months we had been able to tune everything else out and concentrate on loving and serving each other. At times it was almost as if we had gone back to our first five months together and experienced that same love that can feel like infatuation at times. I wondered if the pregnancy and the baby would get in the way of our intimate friendship which was a hard thought to address.

Thankfully, Christ has led us into a wonderful new season of our lives. Hannah is as beautiful as I have ever seen her and she is doing so well with the pregnancy. We have felt the love and support of friends and family who are sharing in our excitement about the new baby. I am already seeing the new ways in which Hannah and I will have to rely on each other more and seek to understand each other more and I know that will continue to deepen our marriage as a result. I am most thankful for the assurance of God's timing and His trust in us to raise this child. I take it as a vote of confidence and Im excited to learn and be a steward.

This baby will always remind me of a wonderful season of my life. A season where anxiety and feelings of worthlessness were replaced with peace and renewed purpose. This baby will definitely always remind me of how much I love Hannah and how thankful I am that she is my wife and partner and friend.

And yes, I did start to cry when I saw the baby's heartbeat on the first ultrasound.