Messages From God

"Every week our prophetic prayer ministry listens for what God might be trying to tell us this week". That sentence alone could probably make me more uncomfortable than anything on earth if for some reason my dad was sitting next to me in Church. I can just imagine the thought, "Wow, this has really been a great service" straight to "Wow, these people are crazy". Maybe I dont give him enough credit or maybe I know that he's just like me and thats exactly what I thought the first 50 times I heard them say it. And, if that wasnt enough the messages themselves will certainly seal the deal. Lately it seems like there has been a lot of wildlife messages including some serious words about marine life.

Let me start off by saying I am pretty cynical on the topic. Its funny because I really love Christ and I have seen the Holy Spirit at work in my life and other people's but I have a wall up that is very strong against anything that might be less than authentic. Does that make me judgmental? At times, Im sure. But whats more than that is the fact that I could be missing out on what the Lord has in store for me and the way that maybe He wants to speak to me in a new way.

I remember a Saturday morning in the fall of last year. For whatever reason everyone that I knew was busy so I packed the truck and headed out to Folly Beach by myself to surf a very large storm swell from an approaching tropical storm. As I parked at 9th ave and stepped on to the boardwalk I could clearly see that it would be a challenging day to surf for anyone but especially someone trying to get through the break on a longboard. After watching it for a while I decided I wouldnt paddle out and a very weird feeling came over me of defeat and it was much heavier than it should have been. That was the first time in at least a decade that I had decided not to go.

After ditching the surfboard I grabbed my fly rod and went out to a saltwater flat by myself to fish the tide for tailing redfish. For the next two hours I waded that flat with the feeling of defeat on my shoulders only in part because of the surf but more due to the weight of where I had come with Palmetto Medical. I was at a point where I was stepping away from Prison Fellowship and had just gone through a year of trying to juggle two full time jobs without a break. As a result of being burnt out I began to entertain feelings of potential failure, discouragement and I think that I was just internalizing things to a degree that I felt alone relative to the organization. I felt like it was imminent that we would lose support or that people would see my position in the organization as unnecessary or our numbers just werent where they should be. All that I know is that for two hours I wrestled with my thoughts and my faith.

The next morning I showed up to St. Andrews and went through a fairly routine service
and we eventually found our way to the weekly messages from God. There were a couple messages that went through and then I heard "For a man who went to the beach and stared at the waves but wouldnt go out. The Lord is here for you and wants to minister to you in your time of being overwhelmed".

It really didnt matter how much I tried to rationalize it, I knew that the Lord had given that message for me in a time where trying to reassure myself in his plan and purpose just simply wasnt providing me peace. Did He need to do that? No. But it was so comforting to know that in the midst of my struggle that He saw me there and was walking through it with me.

This is the thing I think I am working through most right now in my relationship with Christ. How can I move beyond or outside of the way that I perceive Christ and the Father for who they truly are. How do I move to a point of comfort with the Holy Spirit to where I dont demand control over the situation and simply trust in the way that He moves. Not only that, how do I go from getting a taste of what He has to offer to living into that every day and experiencing a state of truly being Spirit filled and led?

I know that its going to take a conscious decision from me and at times it seems like the gravity or magnitude of that decision is daunting to me. I hold so tightly to my control. I have no problem with being obedient to the Lord's direction in my life and pursuing and "doing" the things I feel led to do but I struggle in the relationship and I struggle in the vulnerability.

I wish that I could start my relationship with Christ in a completely new way. A way where I didnt carry so much religious baggage with me that has taught me to understand things a certain way. I wish that I could see things the way that Christ intended for me to see, understand and experience them. The process of undoing and erasing years of other people's perceptions and thoughts is tiring but I know its worth the process.

At the end of the day the Holy Spirit pretty much scares the crap out of me. But, I definitely want and know I need to fully embrace the power that is there. Pray for me.