When you were growing up did it ever cross your mind that there might be a burglar in the house? Did that thought become particularly strong right before you went to sleep? Did you actually check under every bed in the house and in the back of all closets? Ever lay on your back terrified that your parents would go to sleep before you did and that you might be the only one left awake in the house to hear someone trying to break in?
No? Me neither.
Well, actually that did happen once or twice...or every night until I moved to Charlotte in middle school.
If you didnt already know, my dad is a pretty serious guy. He's a very driven business man who has had the same mustache for 35 years (except for the one time he cut it when I was 10 and I thought he looked like a pedophile) and can be serious to the point of dramatic at times. Especially during that time in his life he was pretty uptight, intense, over protective and no-nonsense. Here are a few things that may have contributed to my evening anxiety.
Bedtime Stories
Most kids like to wind down at night with a nice story that makes them think about something calming and peaceful before they go to sleep. I can remember numerous occassions at our home in Richmond, VA when I would have just laid down to go to sleep and my dad would enter the room. "Son, do you know what to do if there is a house fire?" Hmmmm...not really the peaceful story I was hoping for. Then, for twenty minutes we would talk about escape routes all the while my mind thinking more and more about the potential for a house fire. Now, instead of imagining a great, happy story I would be imagining heat, smoke, me by myself escaping through the window not knowing if anyone was still alive.
At some point dad would feel satisfied that we had a good plan together and he would head back downstairs to watch tv with my mom. And I would be there wondering when the fire would start. Those thoughts are not really conducive to falling asleep.
I'll never forget one Sunday morning before church I heard the fire alarm go off and I went into full panic mode...I MEAN FULL PANIC MODE. My mom had somehow burnt all the bacon in the oven and I was worried the whole kitchen was going to catch on fire. I think I got really mad at her and it took all morning to calm back down.
THE SHADOW
Some nights I would be fortunate enough to actually fall asleep and be in the midst of waiting for it to get light outside again. Because, of course, burglars dont ever break in during daylight - its strictly a night time thing.
Sometimes I would be laying there dead asleep and I would start to get the feeling that someone was watching me. You know that sense that there is someone else close? I would think in my mind "Matt, there's no one there dont be ridiculous!" And then, I would open my eyes only to discover that in the darkness and middle of the night there actually was someone standing in the doorway looking at me. His name? David Alexander aka THE SHADOW.
I mean there were literally no lights on in the whole house and there is just someone standing in the doorway looking at you!!
Me: Hey dad. What are you doing?
DA: Just making sure you're still breathing.
Me: I am.
DA: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
Really? Did you think I was dead? Good gosh. Then it was time to try to fall asleep all over again. Only this time I was going to be the only one awake again left with thoughts of housefires, burglars and the occasional thought of a tornado which I was also terrified of...and scary movies like Gremlins...yes Gremlins.
This also didnt help much with trying to rationalize my fear. "There's no one there!" Wait, dont you remember last night?
The Locks
On the nights when I had trouble falling asleep I would hear the tv shut off downstairs and the procession towards to the stairs. Mom would go ahead and come up the stairs and then I would hear dad lock 135 doors in the house. The only problem was that there were only 3 doors which contained locks. So, each lock would get the repeat treatment.
I think that the locks may have been where I developed the burglar mentality. The logic goes something like this:
Checking a door 50 times to make sure its locked means that there are serious consequences if that door remains unlocked.
If you leave a door unlocked someone will come into the house.
There is probably already someone in the house.
There is someone in the house.
I have to prove there is no one in the house by checking all possible hiding places.
In case you're wondering, yes, I did become a tad bit OCD at one point. By the grace of God I was able to put that to rest in college but by that time I was a chronic door locker myself. I must admit that I still give each door at least 2 checks before I go to sleep.
My dad and I have pretty similar personalities so its funny to look back at it now and know exactly why all of those things happened. Its all part of that personality makeup and an intense love and desire to be a protector for the family. But, it definitely has left me with some now funny memories.
Pray for the person who ever decides to break into my house because I have been anticipating their arrival for 28 years and I will be prepared.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Is it just me?
When you're at a pro basketball game and they announce that under 4 people's chairs there are tickets to participate in a halftime shootout for 10K dollars do you:
A.) Immediately reach under your seat to find out if there's a ticket.
B.) Start thinking that there's no way you would ever be that lucky.
C.) Begin pondering what you could do with 10K dollars.
D.) Start panicking that it might be under your seat, worry about making a total idiot of yourself, start trying to find a friend or spouse who could take it if you actually won it and actually get up and leave to avoid even knowing.
Unfortunately, Im a D.
This all started when I was very young. When I was maybe 4 years old I was at a church service at Grove Avenue Baptist in Richmond, VA. There was a ventriloquist (dont ask me why there was a ventriloquist at church - although it was Sunday night and Baptist people really like to think that Sunday night is casual even though its really business casual) at the service and he asked for all the kids to come up on stage. There had to have been 100 kids up there and he said he was going to need one to help him out.
All the kids start screaming and raising their hands. The ALL wanted to be the one he picked. That is, of course, except for me. I actually turned the other way so that he couldnt see my face and tried to hide under the other kids. Actually, I was trying to devise a plan to belly crawl back to my seat without being spotted or maybe make a run for the bathroom. In the midst of my planning I started hearing him calling for someone and as much as I tried to avoid the thought I knew he was calling me.
So, the deal was that I was supposed to be his dummy. I guess this guy couldnt afford actual props so he used live children. I was just supposed to sit there and move my mouth while he did a Donald Duck voice. Well, apparently I misunderstood the instructions because I started trying to do my own Donald Duck voice which was a little rusty since I had never practiced it and I probably just sounded like a hissing cat. About that time the congregation erupted in laughter and the child abusing ventro pointed out that I wasnt doing it right.
I have to imagine that most 4 year olds dont experience humiliation and failure like I did that evening...at least I hope they dont. I felt like I had shamed myself and my family and I wanted to punch that guy in the stomach for choosing me when all I wanted to do was hide.
Im sure that the guy has probably never thought twice about that and he is off making some other shy childs life miserable. But for me, it shook the core of my 4 year old brain and told me several things:
Next time someone asks for children to come up to the front of the stage just act like you're a man and not a child
Follow instructions
Dont talk to ventriloquists
Dont go to church more than once on Sundays
Practice your Donald Duck voice because apparently you may find yourself doing it in front of 1000 people
You are not like other 4 year old children
This is around the time I started my journey into being a senior citizen before the age of 10. Now at 28 Im around 85 years old and as Lindsay points out I like old man candy...malted milk balls and Werthers.
And, just like when I was 4 I find that Im a bit different than most of the other guys around me. Im a calculated, commitment driven, long term planner who doesnt like to be out past 9 and keeps a pretty rigid schedule. Im definitely not what you would call spontaneous, impulsive or goofy.
Thank the Lord for Hannah because without her I would just be a hermit with a very organized cottage.
A.) Immediately reach under your seat to find out if there's a ticket.
B.) Start thinking that there's no way you would ever be that lucky.
C.) Begin pondering what you could do with 10K dollars.
D.) Start panicking that it might be under your seat, worry about making a total idiot of yourself, start trying to find a friend or spouse who could take it if you actually won it and actually get up and leave to avoid even knowing.
Unfortunately, Im a D.
This all started when I was very young. When I was maybe 4 years old I was at a church service at Grove Avenue Baptist in Richmond, VA. There was a ventriloquist (dont ask me why there was a ventriloquist at church - although it was Sunday night and Baptist people really like to think that Sunday night is casual even though its really business casual) at the service and he asked for all the kids to come up on stage. There had to have been 100 kids up there and he said he was going to need one to help him out.
All the kids start screaming and raising their hands. The ALL wanted to be the one he picked. That is, of course, except for me. I actually turned the other way so that he couldnt see my face and tried to hide under the other kids. Actually, I was trying to devise a plan to belly crawl back to my seat without being spotted or maybe make a run for the bathroom. In the midst of my planning I started hearing him calling for someone and as much as I tried to avoid the thought I knew he was calling me.
So, the deal was that I was supposed to be his dummy. I guess this guy couldnt afford actual props so he used live children. I was just supposed to sit there and move my mouth while he did a Donald Duck voice. Well, apparently I misunderstood the instructions because I started trying to do my own Donald Duck voice which was a little rusty since I had never practiced it and I probably just sounded like a hissing cat. About that time the congregation erupted in laughter and the child abusing ventro pointed out that I wasnt doing it right.
I have to imagine that most 4 year olds dont experience humiliation and failure like I did that evening...at least I hope they dont. I felt like I had shamed myself and my family and I wanted to punch that guy in the stomach for choosing me when all I wanted to do was hide.
Im sure that the guy has probably never thought twice about that and he is off making some other shy childs life miserable. But for me, it shook the core of my 4 year old brain and told me several things:
Next time someone asks for children to come up to the front of the stage just act like you're a man and not a child
Follow instructions
Dont talk to ventriloquists
Dont go to church more than once on Sundays
Practice your Donald Duck voice because apparently you may find yourself doing it in front of 1000 people
You are not like other 4 year old children
This is around the time I started my journey into being a senior citizen before the age of 10. Now at 28 Im around 85 years old and as Lindsay points out I like old man candy...malted milk balls and Werthers.
And, just like when I was 4 I find that Im a bit different than most of the other guys around me. Im a calculated, commitment driven, long term planner who doesnt like to be out past 9 and keeps a pretty rigid schedule. Im definitely not what you would call spontaneous, impulsive or goofy.
Thank the Lord for Hannah because without her I would just be a hermit with a very organized cottage.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Its All In The Handshake
The handshake is a part of every culture. Everywhere that I go in the world there is some tweak on it that makes it unique but it is consistently a part of the greeting and it is particularly embraced by men. It can be as simple as a quick grab and squeeze or it can be as complex as a series of movements all changing based on the mood of the user and the context in which it is being utilized.
I enjoy a good handshake. I cant stand a bad handshake. So for the purpose of illustrating this Im going to use a few people for handshake profiles and types of exchanges.
The Ribeye - Mark Abels has a ridiculously large hand. Im pretty sure that the average mans hand disappears inside his grip during the handshake. Its certainly not a weak handshake but its also not particularly constricting. If you could imagine shaking hands with a 30 oz Ribeye steak then you can envision shaking hands with Mark. Mark isnt the only person that Ive met with this handshake. One of the most memorable shakes Ive ever had was on death row at Easter '04. A man named Marion gave me the Ribeye and I remember thinking that if he put any power behind it my hand would disintegrate. This is particularly impressive because during that period I was obsessed with strength training and wanted to start competing in armwrestling.
The Dead Fish - This is the way that your great aunt shakes hands...and also Ed O'Bryan. There is nothing worse than walking up to a grown man to introduce yourself and grabbing into cold flaccid flesh. It actually makes me want to gag. It makes me want to squeeze until there is pain and he's forced to return some sort of strength. I would say that 90% of the time this is how Ed shakes my hand. Its certainly not because thats how he really shakes hands but he knows how obnoxious it is so he's forced by his code of silliness to do it.
The Cobra Strike - This is really impressive. One of my friends and former neighbors Rhett Harter is a military man through and through. Even though he works for the government currently and not in a role with the army he is a still a military minded guy. The Cobra Strike is something that I have marveled at for some time. The process begins when he sees you and the arm is slightly bent at the elbow as if the hand were in the pocket. As he draws closer to you the elbow begins to raise and move backward in a cocking motion until the elbow is almost at shoulder level. Then...the strike. As you come into range the then entire arm explodes forward and connects with your hand in a way that shakes your whole body. Be careful of a miss though because it will be your own fault since the cobra never misses its mark. I have to say that Rhett has one of my favorite handshakes - it connects with the soul.
The Rockclimber - This could also be called the handcrusher. These guys have some serious grip strength and they are not scared to show it. Josh Drake is one of these guys and so is Justin Parker and my friend Chris Burden. All of these guys have handshakes that almost feel like a competition...at least for someone like myself. I always enjoy seeing all three of these guys so when we see each other we connect with a handshake. There's the grab and then the squeeze is on. We can all be looking intently at each other but the internal dialogue is this "Is he winning?" "I wonder how much longer we can hold this?" These guys are almost always outdoor oriented guys who really do enjoy rockclimbing, the mountains, watersports etc. I may fit into this category but Ive never shaken hands with myself so Im not sure.
The Contemporary - You only shake hands with Michael O'Neal one time and thats the first time that you ever meet him. From there on out you will always be greeted with a pound, waist level five or the slap to hug. I love that about Michael and it fits his personality so perfectly. The contemporary is not interested in the traditional greetings but prefers a more casual exchange that can change depending on the person and location. The only challenge with the contemporary is that it can be highly unpredictable and lead to some awkward misses etc. Its worth the risk though.
Things to Avoid
Finger Squeeze - This is actually the one that I hate the most. There is nothing worse than meeting someone for the first time and going in for the handshake only to realize that they squeezed to early and now a grown man has nothing in his hand but your fingers. Its humiliating and you want to start over but you cant. If you have to have a finger squeeze always try to be on the side of squeezing fingers rather than having your own fingers squeezed.
The Hook - Have you ever shaken hands with someone who's fingers were actually curled back like a hook and pushing into your palm? Its weird. Its probably also a sign that you need to speed up your approach. You're probably giving them too much time and they're beginning their squeeze before you've begun yours. Essentially this is the same effect as the finger squeeze only slightly less aggressive.
The Watch Thief - Can you recall a time when you went in for a handshake only to completely bypass the persons hand and end up grabbing their wrist? Unfortunately, I have. Its pretty painful to sit there and stare someone in the face while holding their wrist. While it may have been completely normal during the renaissance era it is not normal at all now and it will create a bad foundation for the rest of your conversation.
The Boyfriend - Finally, there is the handshake that just never seems to end. It can start off great and even go a little longer than you would normally care to but then it goes past your point of comfort. In Africa and other cultures you may as well just get used to it. For crying out loud in Uganda its perfectly normal for men to walk around holding hands. But we are not in Uganda and if you hold my hand for longer than 5 seconds you are guilty of the boyfriend.
Happy Handshaking.
I enjoy a good handshake. I cant stand a bad handshake. So for the purpose of illustrating this Im going to use a few people for handshake profiles and types of exchanges.
The Ribeye - Mark Abels has a ridiculously large hand. Im pretty sure that the average mans hand disappears inside his grip during the handshake. Its certainly not a weak handshake but its also not particularly constricting. If you could imagine shaking hands with a 30 oz Ribeye steak then you can envision shaking hands with Mark. Mark isnt the only person that Ive met with this handshake. One of the most memorable shakes Ive ever had was on death row at Easter '04. A man named Marion gave me the Ribeye and I remember thinking that if he put any power behind it my hand would disintegrate. This is particularly impressive because during that period I was obsessed with strength training and wanted to start competing in armwrestling.
The Dead Fish - This is the way that your great aunt shakes hands...and also Ed O'Bryan. There is nothing worse than walking up to a grown man to introduce yourself and grabbing into cold flaccid flesh. It actually makes me want to gag. It makes me want to squeeze until there is pain and he's forced to return some sort of strength. I would say that 90% of the time this is how Ed shakes my hand. Its certainly not because thats how he really shakes hands but he knows how obnoxious it is so he's forced by his code of silliness to do it.
The Cobra Strike - This is really impressive. One of my friends and former neighbors Rhett Harter is a military man through and through. Even though he works for the government currently and not in a role with the army he is a still a military minded guy. The Cobra Strike is something that I have marveled at for some time. The process begins when he sees you and the arm is slightly bent at the elbow as if the hand were in the pocket. As he draws closer to you the elbow begins to raise and move backward in a cocking motion until the elbow is almost at shoulder level. Then...the strike. As you come into range the then entire arm explodes forward and connects with your hand in a way that shakes your whole body. Be careful of a miss though because it will be your own fault since the cobra never misses its mark. I have to say that Rhett has one of my favorite handshakes - it connects with the soul.
The Rockclimber - This could also be called the handcrusher. These guys have some serious grip strength and they are not scared to show it. Josh Drake is one of these guys and so is Justin Parker and my friend Chris Burden. All of these guys have handshakes that almost feel like a competition...at least for someone like myself. I always enjoy seeing all three of these guys so when we see each other we connect with a handshake. There's the grab and then the squeeze is on. We can all be looking intently at each other but the internal dialogue is this "Is he winning?" "I wonder how much longer we can hold this?" These guys are almost always outdoor oriented guys who really do enjoy rockclimbing, the mountains, watersports etc. I may fit into this category but Ive never shaken hands with myself so Im not sure.
The Contemporary - You only shake hands with Michael O'Neal one time and thats the first time that you ever meet him. From there on out you will always be greeted with a pound, waist level five or the slap to hug. I love that about Michael and it fits his personality so perfectly. The contemporary is not interested in the traditional greetings but prefers a more casual exchange that can change depending on the person and location. The only challenge with the contemporary is that it can be highly unpredictable and lead to some awkward misses etc. Its worth the risk though.
Things to Avoid
Finger Squeeze - This is actually the one that I hate the most. There is nothing worse than meeting someone for the first time and going in for the handshake only to realize that they squeezed to early and now a grown man has nothing in his hand but your fingers. Its humiliating and you want to start over but you cant. If you have to have a finger squeeze always try to be on the side of squeezing fingers rather than having your own fingers squeezed.
The Hook - Have you ever shaken hands with someone who's fingers were actually curled back like a hook and pushing into your palm? Its weird. Its probably also a sign that you need to speed up your approach. You're probably giving them too much time and they're beginning their squeeze before you've begun yours. Essentially this is the same effect as the finger squeeze only slightly less aggressive.
The Watch Thief - Can you recall a time when you went in for a handshake only to completely bypass the persons hand and end up grabbing their wrist? Unfortunately, I have. Its pretty painful to sit there and stare someone in the face while holding their wrist. While it may have been completely normal during the renaissance era it is not normal at all now and it will create a bad foundation for the rest of your conversation.
The Boyfriend - Finally, there is the handshake that just never seems to end. It can start off great and even go a little longer than you would normally care to but then it goes past your point of comfort. In Africa and other cultures you may as well just get used to it. For crying out loud in Uganda its perfectly normal for men to walk around holding hands. But we are not in Uganda and if you hold my hand for longer than 5 seconds you are guilty of the boyfriend.
Happy Handshaking.
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