Its All In The Handshake

The handshake is a part of every culture. Everywhere that I go in the world there is some tweak on it that makes it unique but it is consistently a part of the greeting and it is particularly embraced by men. It can be as simple as a quick grab and squeeze or it can be as complex as a series of movements all changing based on the mood of the user and the context in which it is being utilized.

I enjoy a good handshake. I cant stand a bad handshake. So for the purpose of illustrating this Im going to use a few people for handshake profiles and types of exchanges.

The Ribeye - Mark Abels has a ridiculously large hand. Im pretty sure that the average mans hand disappears inside his grip during the handshake. Its certainly not a weak handshake but its also not particularly constricting. If you could imagine shaking hands with a 30 oz Ribeye steak then you can envision shaking hands with Mark. Mark isnt the only person that Ive met with this handshake. One of the most memorable shakes Ive ever had was on death row at Easter '04. A man named Marion gave me the Ribeye and I remember thinking that if he put any power behind it my hand would disintegrate. This is particularly impressive because during that period I was obsessed with strength training and wanted to start competing in armwrestling.

The Dead Fish - This is the way that your great aunt shakes hands...and also Ed O'Bryan. There is nothing worse than walking up to a grown man to introduce yourself and grabbing into cold flaccid flesh. It actually makes me want to gag. It makes me want to squeeze until there is pain and he's forced to return some sort of strength. I would say that 90% of the time this is how Ed shakes my hand. Its certainly not because thats how he really shakes hands but he knows how obnoxious it is so he's forced by his code of silliness to do it.

The Cobra Strike - This is really impressive. One of my friends and former neighbors Rhett Harter is a military man through and through. Even though he works for the government currently and not in a role with the army he is a still a military minded guy. The Cobra Strike is something that I have marveled at for some time. The process begins when he sees you and the arm is slightly bent at the elbow as if the hand were in the pocket. As he draws closer to you the elbow begins to raise and move backward in a cocking motion until the elbow is almost at shoulder level. Then...the strike. As you come into range the then entire arm explodes forward and connects with your hand in a way that shakes your whole body. Be careful of a miss though because it will be your own fault since the cobra never misses its mark. I have to say that Rhett has one of my favorite handshakes - it connects with the soul.

The Rockclimber - This could also be called the handcrusher. These guys have some serious grip strength and they are not scared to show it. Josh Drake is one of these guys and so is Justin Parker and my friend Chris Burden. All of these guys have handshakes that almost feel like a competition...at least for someone like myself. I always enjoy seeing all three of these guys so when we see each other we connect with a handshake. There's the grab and then the squeeze is on. We can all be looking intently at each other but the internal dialogue is this "Is he winning?" "I wonder how much longer we can hold this?" These guys are almost always outdoor oriented guys who really do enjoy rockclimbing, the mountains, watersports etc. I may fit into this category but Ive never shaken hands with myself so Im not sure.

The Contemporary - You only shake hands with Michael O'Neal one time and thats the first time that you ever meet him. From there on out you will always be greeted with a pound, waist level five or the slap to hug. I love that about Michael and it fits his personality so perfectly. The contemporary is not interested in the traditional greetings but prefers a more casual exchange that can change depending on the person and location. The only challenge with the contemporary is that it can be highly unpredictable and lead to some awkward misses etc. Its worth the risk though.

Things to Avoid

Finger Squeeze - This is actually the one that I hate the most. There is nothing worse than meeting someone for the first time and going in for the handshake only to realize that they squeezed to early and now a grown man has nothing in his hand but your fingers. Its humiliating and you want to start over but you cant. If you have to have a finger squeeze always try to be on the side of squeezing fingers rather than having your own fingers squeezed.

The Hook - Have you ever shaken hands with someone who's fingers were actually curled back like a hook and pushing into your palm? Its weird. Its probably also a sign that you need to speed up your approach. You're probably giving them too much time and they're beginning their squeeze before you've begun yours. Essentially this is the same effect as the finger squeeze only slightly less aggressive.

The Watch Thief - Can you recall a time when you went in for a handshake only to completely bypass the persons hand and end up grabbing their wrist? Unfortunately, I have. Its pretty painful to sit there and stare someone in the face while holding their wrist. While it may have been completely normal during the renaissance era it is not normal at all now and it will create a bad foundation for the rest of your conversation.

The Boyfriend - Finally, there is the handshake that just never seems to end. It can start off great and even go a little longer than you would normally care to but then it goes past your point of comfort. In Africa and other cultures you may as well just get used to it. For crying out loud in Uganda its perfectly normal for men to walk around holding hands. But we are not in Uganda and if you hold my hand for longer than 5 seconds you are guilty of the boyfriend.

Happy Handshaking.