Gym Class

Where do you even begin? When I was 12 my dad took a job with a company called Northern Automotive that was based in Phoenix, Arizona. Upon my arrival in Phoenix I was entering middle school which is a whole new phase of life for a kid. For me though it was a whole new phase accompanied with all new people, a new landscape and a very different culture.

I can remember the first day that I walked into my new school. Even though I was as shy as ever during that time I can remember thinking that I was pretty much a total and complete badass based on my wardrobe so that gave me some confidence. Im not sure what part of the jean shorts, UGA Football t-shirt or high top black reebok pumps with the orange basketball on the tongue gave me confidence but something did...maybe it was the gold chain I bought at a yard sale in Bristol, TN. For reference, this was about the time that the new Metallica album LOAD came out - the one where they all shaved their pony tails and their music started the downward spiral into what it is now. Nevertheless though, my uncle and I listened to it over and over and over.

Among many other things, gym class when you're in middle school is just weird. Ive never really understood the rationale behind the timing of the class. You have fifty boys who go outside and sweat for an hour and then they go back to class reeking worse than hot trash because only 15% of them have started wearing deodorant and 90% of them are wearing dirty clothes anyway.

I guess thats why they introduced the gym clothes and made everyone wear the same uniform which was clearly hand picked by Coach Edigar. Coach Edigar was a fairly nice man who always wore tank-tops, white leather shoes, a whistle and VERY short cotton gym shorts...semi/completely inappropriate. Even if I didnt care for him that much I will always appreciate the fact that he stood by and watched as Jason (a fat kid) stood over top of Brett (a jock heckler) and beat his face in. We all wanted to do it and I think that Coach may have secretly wanted to do it as well.

I was what you would call a bit of a husky young man. My dad used to try to tell me that the extra weight in my legs would be great for hitting the baseball so I tried to embrace that. Unfortunately, the legs didnt look so good in those gym shorts and truth be told the t-shirt wasnt really big enough either. It was kind of like trying to cover a whale with a beach towell.

As a result of the poorly fitting uniform I decided I wasnt going to wear it and I made up excuses like "I lost it" or "I left it at home". I can remember seeing the disgust in Coach's face that I had once again not aligned myself with the dress code.

What is every heavy kid's absolute worst nightmare? THE PRESIDENTS PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST. This was the one time each year when you could actually confirm everyone's suspicions about how out of shape you were. There in front of everyone you had the chance to that not only were you not fast nor did you have any stamina but you were also able to prove that even though you were big you were actually not that strong.

Here are a few of the highlights:

Chin Up - Let's get one thing straight - fat 12 year old's cant do chin ups. Period. Its just not going to happen. Therefore, making a 12 year old who weighs 190 lbs step up to a bar to attempt a chin up should be some sort of child abuse. I can remember kids going in front of me and doing a dozen chin ups and thinking "Im not even sure if I can hold myself off the ground". In sixth grade it was my turn and after stating that there was no way I could do one I was told to just try. So, I did the classic attempt. I walked up to the bar and put my hands on it. Next, I jumped as high as I could (not very high as you can imagine) and tried to make it look like my leap was a surge of strength. The main problem with that was when I started to come down I clearly had absolutely no control over my muscles and my elbows almost snapped. I think they still may have counted it as one though.

Endurance Run - When its 115 degrees outside the last thing you want to think about is a distance run where you are being judged based on the distance you complete. This is especially the case when you can really only complete one lap on a semi-jog and then you begin walking and spitting because you are so out of breath and your throat is full of crap that you have been hacking up. Fortunately, I figured out a great cover up for this. There was a group of skaters at the time who I kind of hung out with that pretty much did everything they could to ignore the teachers. So, for them they saw walking the whole event as a demonstration of anti-authority. It was at that time that I decided I too was going to be a rebel and if that meant that I had to walk the whole course then I was fine with that.

Sit Ups - It sucks when they make them impossible to fake. Its so much easier to pretend you're doing one when someone isnt sitting on your feet and counting for you. But, of course, that is how the test was structured. I can honestly say that I dont remember much other than that after 25 seconds I was sure of two things. First, I was pretty confident that my head was going to explode all over the person holding my feet. Second, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up all over the person holding my feet. Somehow I managed to survive without disgracing my workout partner.

Thankfully I dont have to do any more physical fitness tests and I actually enjoy going to the gym. Every time I crank out a few chin ups there is an extra sense of pride. Truth be told though I would probably still die in an endurance run.