Im still scared of girls

Its true. I am still very afraid of women in general. Perhaps now even more so than when I was in middle school. I can hang out with pretty much any guy in the world and never think twice about it. I can hang out with guys on death row or some of the most successful men in this country and feel perfectly at ease. However, I can also be thrown completely off my game by 16 year old girl.

Im really not quite sure why this is. Thankfully, there are a few women in my life who I feel pretty comfortable around. Of course Hannah is one of them but then we also have a group of friends who for the most part I can be normal around. But, there are also so many people that I dont know really well that still freak me out. They dont freak me out in a bad way but I get a little clammy and anxious in my head. Its so strange. Me, a big guy who probably comes off as a "man's man" hunter, fisher, outdoorsman, whiskey drinking, pickup driving guy...nervous in conversations with girls.

One possibility is that I have absolutely no game whatsoever. I am not a casual talker, group person or super social individual. Small talk is not a skill which I possess in the least. This is why if you ever get invited to a big party at my house you probably wont be able to find me. Or, if you do, I will be in a group no larger than four with plenty of escape routes. So, maybe its that I feel like Im coming on a little strong and Im insecure about my ability to just mingle. As Hannah can tell you I dont really do the casual thing...ie our second date I told her I wanted a serious committed relationship. She had just turned 17 at the time.

Another possibility is eye contact. I used to know this guy who everyone talked about as having the hawk eye. When he talked to you it was like he was staring through your brain and could actually see out of the back of your head. It was terrifying. Ever since then I have always wondered silently about what kind of eye contact I am maintaining with people. Guys I dont really care about but I always think that Im coming across as STARING at women so then I just look all around the place and probably sometimes seem disinterested in the conversation. In fact, there are actually two conversations going on at the same time. The conversation that myself and the girl are having and the one that is going on in my head requesting that I stop being so weird.

A third possibility is that most girls really do think Im an uncomfortable person to talk to. I would completely understand that. I know I am not a very approachable person. I cringe at most social situations which makes me want to hide a lot. I am also a big, bearded, Paul Bunyan looking man and that is not the first person you run to for a fun little chat. That is the person you have a "fireside" talk (as Josh and I have come to call it) with about life and the big things.

The truth is though that I really want to know these people. I really do care about their lives and I would love to know them on a deeper level. The last thing that I want is for them to see me as a stand offish guy who would do anything to avoid spending 10 minutes with them. I have always been blessed with great female friends who have taught me a lot and some I have been friends with for a good chunk of my life.

So girls please dont think I am weird or awkward. I am but please dont think so.

At the end of the day I am definitely still a shy, somewhat introverted and cautious person. Thank God for my wonderful wife who I can completely be myself around but who is still more beatiful, fun and supportive every day.

Reservations

The real test of a saint is not one’s willingness to preach the gospel, but one’s willingness to do something like washing the disciples’ feet— that is, being willing to do those things that seem unimportant in human estimation but count as everything to God. It was Paul’s delight to spend his life for God’s interests in other people, and he did not care what it cost. But before we will serve, we stop to ponder our personal and financial concerns— "What if God wants me to go over there? And what about my salary? What is the climate like there? Who will take care of me? A person must consider all these things." All that is an indication that we have reservations about serving God. But the apostle Paul had no conditions or reservations. Paul focused his life on Jesus Christ’s idea of a New Testament saint; that is, not one who merely proclaims the gospel, but one who becomes broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for the sake of others.

I pray that Palmetto Medical will continue to be at least in some ways what Paul had in mind when he thought of a New Testament saint. I want this organization to never back down when asked why we do what we're doing but at the same time I hope that our actions will always come first and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work before the words come. We all want Your best for this organization and this seems to be how You are making us unique. I pray that You will show us how to wash the feet of those in Masindi and in the destinations that are still to come.

Continue to give us the strength to stand in a place where we can be used by you and be receptive to your guidance. Help us to be continually aware of where you are at work and constantly strive to align ourselves with that. If we move outside of your direction quickly draw us back in. Continue to do things in a way that are so profound that only You can receive the glory for all that is accomplished. Amen.

Gym Bag

What exactly is in that bag man? You come in here everyday and do a workout and you carry a full jansport backpack around with you the entire time. Is it a change of clothes? Sweat rag? Steroids? Hand held mirror? Are you not aware that there is a locker room with at least 100 places to store excessive items? You're not alone though. There must be at least 6 guys in the gym with bags who would consider themselves hardcore enough to be bag carriers. Why? A full backpack? I dont get it.

The List

I am addicted to Craigslist. And fortunately, I am also very good at finding things on craigslist. Good enough that I could probably support myself on buying and selling through the site for a profit.

This started several years ago when I realized that my dream had come true in a user friendly classifieds website that was community driven and highly interactive. Ever since I was a kid I have always enjoyed buying used stuff and/or trading.

Several years after my discovery of the list I have purchased things including a refrigerator, freezer, multiple surfboards, guns, truck box, wetsuit, tons of furniture, vacation rentals, chevy tahoe, boat, blackberry, yardwork and the list goes on and on. Additionally, I have sold a kia sportage, a dodge ram, furniture, surfboards, bicycle, auto equipment and again the list goes on.

One of the things that I love about craigslist is that even though it has gotten so big now there are still those golden moments when you get a product for a great price before anyone else has had the chance to get it. I once bought a GE stainless steel refrigerator for $200 that retailed for 10x that but I had to drop everything I was doing and haul ass to Daniel Island before anyone else could get there. There was also the time I bought a brand new sleeper sofa, chair and ottoman for less than $200 only because I was the first person to get there. I responded to that ad within 30 minutes of him posting it and he had already had over 20 people call...one poor lady even started crying on the phone when he told her that he had sold it. Its kind of sad but not really and that lady is pretty pathetic if she's crying over a used couch. Probably time to get it together.

While I love a good price I absolutely despise someone who overprices their product. It actually really makes me made enough to call them and debate the reasoning behind the price. For that reason, I am going to set the three rules of pricing your item on Craigslist.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SELL A USED ITEM AT A NEW PRICE - if you bought a guitar amp for $100 2 years ago and played it two times you can not re-sell it for $95. The product is now outdated and you will never sell it. The only person who will buy for that product is someone with pity on you for being an idiot and pity should not exist in the world of used goods. There was a line 6 guitar amp being sold in Columbia, SC last week that was used and actually being sold for more than you could buy it new at retail. Good luck sir.

DO NOT EXPECT PEOPLE TO PAY MORE FOR SOMETHING THAT HAS SENTIMENTAL VALUE TO YOU - Its really nice that you have had a little piece of land out in the country for a long time. But, believe it or not I dont want to pay more for it because you dont seem to want to let it go. In fact, I want to pay a lot less for it because I am hoping that you have no idea how much its worth and I want to get it as cheap as possible. So when I call about it and you say things like "I dont even know if I want to sell it" and "You can make me an offer but I want whoever will pay me the most for it" I realize that I am talking with someone who has no business using the internet. Instead, you should go sit on your rocking chair and live in your dream world where rich men appear out of nowhere to offer you unlimited sums of money for your trash land. This particular conversation with a man in Adams Run was 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

DO NOT PRICE SOMETHING AGGRESSIVELY HIGH AND RE-POST IT EVERYDAY BECAUSE NO ONE IS BUYING IT - The majority of the time this product is also something that absolutely no one wants. This can also often times be related to rule number 2 in that someone has done a lot of work to a piece of junk and now it is simply a slightly more appealing piece of junk - putting lipstick on a pig. One place you'll see this a lot is with cars and boats. For example, to the man who took the ugliest foam/strange fiberglass boat and put a coat of blue paint on it along with a retired johnson outboard and called it "fully restored", you sir are guilty of breaking this rule. No one will pay $3K for your boat and to be perfectly honest everytime you re-post we all get a little more angry. We're frustrated that you dont get it and that we have to look at your post on a daily basis. Either (a) dont ever put a dollar into it and actually spend your money on things that are not junk or (b) take a hint when you dont even get one email response to your boat in 6 months and consider dropping the price even just a touch.

There are more rules to come.

Calling Out Your Name

I woke up this morning with the melody to this song in my head. I couldnt have told you a single line to this song other than "I hear the praries calling out your name" and Im sure I havent listened to this song in at least 15 years. Even with all the bad music that my parents listened to while I was growing up its amazing that so many of those songs have stuck with me and when I now go back and investigate the lyrics I understand why. They are filled with truth about God which is eternal and unchanging.

I would have loved to meet the man who wrote this song. I can clearly understand the lyrics to this song. I am never more aware of God's power and presence than when I am surrounded by his creation in nature.

Calling Out Your Name
Rich Mullins

Well the moon moved past Nebraska
And spilled laughter on them cold Dakota Hills
And angels danced on Jacob's stairs
Yeah, they danced on Jacob's stairs
There is this silence in the Badlands
And over Kansas the whole universe was stilled
By the whisper of a prayer
The whisper of a prayer

And the single hawk bursts into flight
And in the east the whole horizon is in flames
I feel thunder in the sky
I see the sky about to rain
And I hear the prairies calling out Your name

I can feel the earth tremble
Beneath the rumbling of the buffalo hooves
And the fury in the pheasant's wings
And there's fury in a pheasant's wings
It tells me the Lord is in His temple
And there is still a faith
That can make the mountains move
And a love that can make the heavens ring
And I've seen love make heaven ring

Where the sacred rivers meet
Beneath the shadow of the Keeper of the plains
I feel thunder in the sky
I see the sky about to rain
And I hear the prairies calling out Your name

From the place where morning gathers
You can look sometimes forever 'til you see
What time may never know
What time may never know
How the Lord takes by its corners this old world
And shakes us forward and shakes us free
To run wild with the hope
To run wild with the hope

The hope that this thirst will not last long
That it will soon drown in the song
Not sung in vain
And I feel thunder in the sky
I see the sky about to rain
And I hear the prairies calling out Your name

Thunder Chickens

Im sure that to most people on the rest of the earth a serious turkey hunters seems a little silly. You get up hours before the sun even thinks about coming up, cover yourself from head to toe in camo and make your way down deep into the woods. From there you begin trying to annoy a sleeping turkey by pretending to be an owl and try to sound offensive enough that it responds with an obligatory gobble to show its frustration (which by the way is the same sound it uses to convey every emotion). If you're lucky then you pinpoint one and start getting set up in a position where you can intercept his path once he flies down.

Once you have your bird located then its time to find your tree. You can just find any tree as I have seen plenty of people try to do, you have to find the right tree. You want a big oak or pine that you can settle in to, pull your knees up to your chest, rest your shotgun on your knee and begin calling. But before you do that you have to put out the bait. There is nothing more attractive to a gobbler during mating season than a nice and receptive hen so you always want to have at least one decoy out there to lure in the testosterone filled tom.

Now you begin calling. Some birds will come in quietly and some will come in screaming their heads off. There are times you cant even think about striking the first note on your call before they have already responded. And then there are other times where they will systematically respond to every 6th call or every 10th call or every 5 minutes. Its quite unpredictable.

You want to find a hot bird though. A hot bird is not really thinking with its brain. This is a bird that is thinking about one thing only and its going to respond one of two ways. Option A: its going to run in with feathers tucked to investigate which is like the equivalent of a desperate guy with no tact and really bad pick up lines. Option B: the bird is going to play it as cool as it possibly can, he's going to keep his distance of anywhere from 40-80 yards and do a big puffy feather dance for a while to show just how cool he is. The bird in option A is a goner. The bird in option B however poses a different challenge. Sometimes in his quest for coolness he actually gives up on the female and goes elsewhere to find one that will actually come to him. Those can be some of the more depressing moments for a hunter as you watch a huge gobbler who has been putting on a show for you simply go walking out of sight having never come into shooting range.

Regardless of the outcome of the hunt it is an amazing way to spend a spring morning outside. Being in the woods and watching them come alive in front of you is an amazing experience and sets the tone for the rest of your day or even week. I leave every morning turkey hunt feeling refreshed and at peace.

Im ready for 3.15.

Did that just happen?

There is a feeling that I get at times (though not very often) where I can not articulate my thoughts. I am confronted with something that is so big or so multi-faceted that I simply lose the ability to communicate in even a somewhat orderly fashion. To me, those are amazing moments because so often I find myself as an overly calculated person who only experiences true excitement when it is provoked by something major.

And I know that it is something major when everyone around me notices something different. Normally I can be going through pretty much anything in my life whether it is stress, fear, joy, anxiety, happiness or mourning and the average person cant tell much of a difference in the way I act, think or speak. So when everyone is taking notice and I feel such a range of thought and emotion all at one time it is a unique experience.

I had one of those moments yesterday.

I had a conversation that left my mind racing in all different directions trying to make sense out of what was said. In the same moments were excitement about unlimited potential, guard against overly high expectations, dreams of new opportunties and the stress that comes with the unknown.

Its definitely one of those things that you wake up the next morning wondering if it really happened. It did happen and I was left with several key truths today:

• God is good and he works in ways that we will never understand
• He has chosen to use myself and the people around me to be a part of what He is doing in the world
• His timing and resources are limitless
• His vision for this work exceeds anything that we originally dreamed

I find great peace, joy and trust in those things.

The least of the gifts

The last couple weeks at church have been a little distracting for me. I love my church and I think I originally was so drawn to it because of the presence of the Holy Spirit but in some ways that seems to have become a challenge for me lately. This last Sunday, I spent the majority of the service reading about Pentacost to refresh my memory on how the Spirit works and how we should respond to it.

I would have to be honest in saying that there are a lot of times that the Holy Spirit makes me pretty uncomfortable. My personality obviously lends itself to structure, rules and organization more times than not so the thought of an unpredictable Holy Spirit that can "fall" on a place and have a drastic impact in a room definitely makes me a bit leary. I like to think of God as being a God of order bu the problem is that in my very limited understanding, my concept of order likely isnt quite that of an omniscient God.

I am also going to have to be honest in saying that I dont struggle with any of the gifts nearly as much as I do tongues. I know that is very judgmental in some ways but there are few things that will rip me right out of worship as quickly as someone who starts yelling out in tongues. I can feel like I am worshiping freely and passionately and then it can be over just like that.

I am definitely willing to throw out there that a lot of that was how I was raised. I was basically taught that "wacko's" speak in tongues and that doesnt really exist here in the United States...only in other parts of the world. Hmm?? Same God, same Holy Spirit but He only does those things in small villages in Egypt. I also grew up in a Southern Baptist Church which Im fairly sure would have done an exorcism if someone would have spoken out in tongues in a worship service.

So, I dont exactly come to this issue with a great framework for my thoughts on this issue. My heart is definitely not to be judgmental but in a lack of knowledge you dont really have anywhere else to go with it other than your own ideas.

I found this passage of scripture pretty interesting this morning:

Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy. For one who speaks in a tongue speaks not to men but to God; for no one understands him, but he utters mysteries in the Spirit. On the other hand, the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. The one who speaks in a tongue builds up himself, but the one who prophesies builds up the church. Now I want you all to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. The one who prophesies is greater than the one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up. I Corinthians 14

If Im reading this correctly then:

• We definitely want the gift of prophesy first and foremost
• Prophesy is regarded more highly than tongues
• Prophesy is used for the edification of the Body of Christ
• Tongues can be used to draw attention to oneself or "build up"
• Paul wants everyone to speak in tongues BUT even more to prophesy
• Tongues can be strengthened or on the same level with prophesy if it is accompanied by interpretation

As always, there is a lot of truth in that passage of Scripture. Its clear to me that I need to be praying and asking for the Lord to give me prophesy to bless and encourage those around me. I also find it highly interesting that even in this passage 2000 years ago Paul recognized that tongues could be used as a way to build yourself up rather than to build Christ up.

I think that is what probably what sets off my alarm more often than not. I am always looking for the authentic experience relationally whether it comes to my friends, ministry or the Lord. I want something that is real which is why Im not always great in big groups or with small talk because I dont really know what to say. I would love the chance to get to know everyone on a deep level but the surface level I completely bomb at.

So when I have a relational encounter with Christ that is on a deeper level and and I feel like I am being ministered to by the Holy Spirit it is a very intimate thing for me. This is why when Im in those moments and someone starts speaking, yelling, praying in tongues and there is no interpretation I feel that the authenticity is at stake and it pushes me away. It makes me feel as though in a moment where God should be receiving the attention it is diverted from him to a worshiper of him. I know because Im the one who's attention is diverted.

Im not saying Im right about any of this. I am sure there are a million things that I could be doing to make this problem better. Im sure Im not submitting, trusting, praying, abiding etc enough to get a clear answer on this or even be secure enough in my own spiritual relationship with Christ that nothing else even matters. But for right now it is something that in my mind seems to lack the substance that I think generally accompanies the work of the Holy Spirit.

The Bible seems to have plenty to say about the topic so I think I'll do some more research.

Old School

I love old things. I really love things with character. I have an appreciation especially for things being done well but simply.

This is definitely the case when it comes to hunting. It seems like these days when you go out into the woods for a hunt you are more geared out than a jungle sniper on a life or death mission. Why? Im pretty sure we're not trying to outwit a foriegn offensive. Nope. Instead we're trying to simply blend into the scenery and hide from a deer or a turkey or maybe even a duck. Lets be honest, deer are not the smartest animals in the world and being that there are almost one million of them here in the state of SC Im pretty sure you can find one that wont require a gilley suit and five thousand dollar rifle.

That being said, I love the old images of hunting in this country and the way that things were done so simply. My uncle Greg was this way. Every time he had the opportunity he spent time outdoors. His stories were amazing and Im sure that often times they were filled with imbellishments of every sort but he was a true outdoorsman. His camoflauge? A pair of jeans, cowboy boots and a flannel shirt. His weapon of choice? An old 12 guage or a flintrock rifle he made himself.

I hope that people like Greg will always be around to remind us how crazy we get with our use of the outdoors.

Hard to believe

Its very hard for me to believe all that has happened over the course of the last 15 months. Life has changed a lot and I find myself today in a very different set of circumstances than I was in October of '08. I can very clearly remember sitting in the living room one night after Hannah had gone to bed and asking the Lord to change my personal, spiritual and professional life.

In the fall of '08 I was on cruise control in basically every facet of my day to day life. Hannah and I's marriage was good, work with Prison Fellowship was good, friendships were good but really nothing required any work and I was starting to get more than bored with things. I needed something in my life that would encourage growth and I just didnt have it. Everything was good but I needed something great. I needed something I could invest myself in and that would put me in over my head so that the only option that I would have is face it and move forward.

Interestingly enough, God didnt wait too long to answer that request and put so much on my plate that at times I re-thought my original ask. But now, just a little over a full year later I would say I am a different person. I have seen those challenges, I have seen growth, I have been stretched beyond my limits and it has forced me to be solely reliant on the Lord. I have become aware of my true strengths but I have also been hit in the face with God's sovereignty and all that it means.

Several things are clear to me about Palmetto Medical. One, is that God truly wants to bless the people of Masindi in a way that we dont fully comprehend. Two, is that he wants to create a community here in Charleston that starts with a trip to Uganda and ends with a relational transaction with Christ and later Christ followers in this community. Third, is that people from all places in life are drawn to what is happening here. And finally, It is overwhelmingly clear that the Lord is at work and it can be seen through his timing, provision and favor on all that has happened.

Monday will be a sort of milestone for me in the growth of this organization. On Monday, Michael and Amanda will leave for Uganda to oversee the construction of the medical center we are committed to building. This is what is very hard for me to believe. How in a years time did this start as a conversation, grow into an organization, build momentum and now warrant sending two very qualified people across the world to committ their lives to this?

Even though Im not moving with them I feel as though I am. I feel the weight of their decision and though it is certainly not on the same level I have been through many of the emotions they have to be experiencing. As friends I care about them both deeply and it is going to be tough to see them go. We have done everything that we can to prepare for them leaving but the thing that gives me the most confidence is knowing that the Lord is at work and he has great things planned for their lives there.

Lord - Thank you for all that you are doing in the world. Thank you for your love for us and how much you care about the finite details of our lives. Thank you for your love for the people of Uganda. Please help us to see even more clearly how much you cherish their lives.

Grow us in our trust of your plan. Help us to cling to your love. Make us receptive to your direction and give us the obedience to act as you lead.

Protect Michael and Amanda on every level. Protect Amanda's emotional health through this transition and encourage her in the times when she will feel alone and defeated. Protect Michael when he is feeling overwhelmed mentally and is struggling to know how to move forward. Grow their marriage through this experience and their knowledge that regardless of where they are that you are always near and long to be with them.

Give me the humility, patience, kindness, boldness and strength to be a great leader for this organization. In all things we pray that the glory will be given back to you for all that you are doing.

You are an amazing God and I love you and thank you.

Cold Fish

I have been feeling a bit of cabin fever setting in recently with way too much time being spent indoors. These times make me realize what an amazing blessing it is that I live in an area of the country where the majority of the year I can spend a great deal of time outside. There is definitely something healthy for me about being able to end a day of work and spend an hour or two on a surfboard or with a fishing rod in my hand. There is also something amazing about starting a morning well before daylight to meet a friend and go chase after wild turkeys in the spring.

In some ways January and February are kind of nice for that reason. The weather is generally pretty bad and this winter has been one of the coldest on record. So the outdoor activities are very limited but it build the anticipation for all that is to come. In my mind, spring starts on March 1st and my whole outlook on life changes. With the Uganda trip in early March we will return to spring and the Charleston that we all love will begin to work its magic.

To save my sanity I was able to get out and fish one day last week with Zac and Dillon. We fished north of IOP and were out there with what seemed like a hundred other guys on flats boats looking for schooled up fish. It was pretty impressive to see how tightly schooled a lot of these fish were. With it being too windy to throw the fly rod we were working jerk shad and managed to pick up a number of nice looking fish. I definitely enjoyed fishing with Dillon and learning some new techniques and areas. Most of all though I just enjoyed being outside no matter how cold or wet it was!

March 15th cant come soon enough. Turkey time.