Im still scared of girls

Its true. I am still very afraid of women in general. Perhaps now even more so than when I was in middle school. I can hang out with pretty much any guy in the world and never think twice about it. I can hang out with guys on death row or some of the most successful men in this country and feel perfectly at ease. However, I can also be thrown completely off my game by 16 year old girl.

Im really not quite sure why this is. Thankfully, there are a few women in my life who I feel pretty comfortable around. Of course Hannah is one of them but then we also have a group of friends who for the most part I can be normal around. But, there are also so many people that I dont know really well that still freak me out. They dont freak me out in a bad way but I get a little clammy and anxious in my head. Its so strange. Me, a big guy who probably comes off as a "man's man" hunter, fisher, outdoorsman, whiskey drinking, pickup driving guy...nervous in conversations with girls.

One possibility is that I have absolutely no game whatsoever. I am not a casual talker, group person or super social individual. Small talk is not a skill which I possess in the least. This is why if you ever get invited to a big party at my house you probably wont be able to find me. Or, if you do, I will be in a group no larger than four with plenty of escape routes. So, maybe its that I feel like Im coming on a little strong and Im insecure about my ability to just mingle. As Hannah can tell you I dont really do the casual thing...ie our second date I told her I wanted a serious committed relationship. She had just turned 17 at the time.

Another possibility is eye contact. I used to know this guy who everyone talked about as having the hawk eye. When he talked to you it was like he was staring through your brain and could actually see out of the back of your head. It was terrifying. Ever since then I have always wondered silently about what kind of eye contact I am maintaining with people. Guys I dont really care about but I always think that Im coming across as STARING at women so then I just look all around the place and probably sometimes seem disinterested in the conversation. In fact, there are actually two conversations going on at the same time. The conversation that myself and the girl are having and the one that is going on in my head requesting that I stop being so weird.

A third possibility is that most girls really do think Im an uncomfortable person to talk to. I would completely understand that. I know I am not a very approachable person. I cringe at most social situations which makes me want to hide a lot. I am also a big, bearded, Paul Bunyan looking man and that is not the first person you run to for a fun little chat. That is the person you have a "fireside" talk (as Josh and I have come to call it) with about life and the big things.

The truth is though that I really want to know these people. I really do care about their lives and I would love to know them on a deeper level. The last thing that I want is for them to see me as a stand offish guy who would do anything to avoid spending 10 minutes with them. I have always been blessed with great female friends who have taught me a lot and some I have been friends with for a good chunk of my life.

So girls please dont think I am weird or awkward. I am but please dont think so.

At the end of the day I am definitely still a shy, somewhat introverted and cautious person. Thank God for my wonderful wife who I can completely be myself around but who is still more beatiful, fun and supportive every day.